Posted by scratchpad on March 14, 2007, at 8:35:49
- OK, you can stop the applause already...
I think my short experience as deputy forever changed the way I see Babble. I really wasn't ready for it, and I kind of wish that I didn't do it. Darned intuitive thoughts kept getting crushed under as I thought that it would be "good for me". Well, it turns out I'm a tender, tender cookie. Passing remarks about deputies, and off-board communications about my role undermined my precarious hold on self confidence.
I don't think I failed so much as realized where my boundaries were. Most of my triggers are based upon how I perceive others' views of me. There is also the issue of increasing responsibility as Dr Bob spends less and less time actively participating on the board. Remaining objective in the role of deputy and also participating as a poster created an internal conflict that had to be resolved.
I found that I no longer felt that I could express myself freely. Was I posting as a deputy, and offering opinions that could be construed as policy? Was I posting as a mentally ill member in crisis - and did this take away from my ability to act responsibly as a deputy? All of these conflicts were internal. Only one person ever voiced their opinion to me as to what I should do. I was judged unfit to be a deputy in their eyes. In the end, I couldn't come to an acceptable compromise. The value of Babble to me as a poster far outweighed what I felt I could contribute as a deputy.
So I resigned. And then I changed my name. Choosing another posting name disrupted any continuity I might have had going forward. It's kind of like starting anew, except that I have all this baggage, see, and it's heavy, dragging it along as Scratchpad and not as ClearSkies, or Partlycloudy, or even Rainyday. Those women are gone, long gone. What's left is cracked, slightly chipped, and well worn.
sp
poster:scratchpad
thread:740919
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070305/msgs/740919.html