Posted by Kath on June 4, 2006, at 14:19:04
In reply to You guys i need some advice on social skills, posted by rjlockhart on June 1, 2006, at 20:24:38
((((((((((((((((((((((((Matt))))))))))))))))))
Even though it was decades ago, Matt, I can relate. When I was a teen & into my 20's, I was really shy & withdrawn. Draw any attention to me & I felt like I'd die almost.
There are a couple of things. I'll leave the most important until last, but if you start reading #1 & it doesn't feel comfortable, go straight to #2 :-)))
#1 This is what I did finally in my late teens. My friend was quite self-confident & I was the quiet little one, who seemed invisible - as if even if I DID say something, I'd have nothing to say! Somehow, I started to ACT more confident. I'd ACT like I wished I was. I realized that the only one who really KNEW was me! Oh, my tummy would be in knots, but by acting more extroverted, I started to get USED to it.
Years later, I used this 'acting as if' skill in a job I had. I was a personal assistant at the Canadian National Institute for the Blind, to a deaf-blind woman. She'd been normal 'til 17 years old, then had an operation for a brain tumour & woke up in black silence!!! Her Mom was very supportive & eventually, this woman was helped to learn to speak, etc. and the CNIB took care of her going to University!!! They provided her own personal "translator" for all the lectures, etc. Anyway, this young woman's face was partially paralyzed & she spoke funny & LOUD ('cuz she couldn't 'hear' herself). I was trained to converse with the deaf-blind 'hand-to-hand' language. I was trained to be her assistant & the CNIB created a special position for her. I'd walk along with her, arm-in-arm, putting my fingers on different points in her hand, spelling out, letter-by-letter what I was saying to her, or what was happening, or if someone stopped to talk to her - what they were saying. She'd be talking LOUDLY to me & sometimes even say things that were awkward to have her saying loudly at that particular time! Talk about having attention drawn to oneself!!!! Anyway, one day a lady from Personel Dept (a very extroverted, self-assured, self-confident person) said to me how she admired me sooo much; I obviously had sooo much self-confidence & seemed so relaxed while doing my job it amazed her!! I was pretty blown-away by this, as I felt ANYthing BUT those things!!
It made such an impression on my...how I was acting a certain way - or I guess I should say behaving a certain way...while not feeling that way inside, yet people had no idea!Over the years, I did start to feel more extroverted. I'm still shy in certain situations, but sometimes I see myself acting a certain way & realize "wow - this is pretty amazing for someone as shy as me!"
#2 - Matt - as someone who basically, did not felt comfortable with social interactions for many years of my life, I've found this concept invaluable: a lot of people like to have other people be interested in them. A great skill to develop is being interested in others. If it feels comfortable, you could try asking questions. Try just 1 question first. If you're with someone, listen to what's being talked about, think if there's something you'd like to know about it, or something you're wondering about, then ask your 1 question. See what happens; see how it feels. And try NOT to think about yourself. FOCUS on the OTHER person or people. (This will probably be really hard.) If you don't focus on the answer, you might feel so freaked out about "will they think I'm stupid; will they wish I hadn't asked that?" etc that you'll be standing in the way of a conversation beginning to flow.
The more you can NOT dwell on yourself the better. The more you can try to relax & just be in the moment & think of the other people or the topic that's being discussed, the better.
If you have a particular interest, maybe try attending a club focusing on that.
Good luck & if you try this, I'd love to hear how it went for you. I support you big-time in this because I know: #1 - how uncomfortable I felt in a situation similar to yours.
#2 - how the methods I used actually worked.It doesn't mean it won't feel foreign or uncomfortable. But there IS HOPE!!!!!!!!
It can happen, little bit by little bit.:-))) Kath
PS - this has been such a LONG answer that next time you might say - Kath is not allowed to answer this post!!! ;-))
> Larry, anyone,
>
> Listen, i met a friend, well in high school i was a load mouth but didnt make any friends, didnt connect with people. I dont know why.
>
> And it is the same here, now, this person well i consider a mentor, but i dont know what to say, i feel caged in and not knowing what to say, and then it panics me, Xanax doesnt really make me more social.
>
> Listen i really want to thank you guys for being my friends here. I would just go, i would be absolutely insane.
>
> What, can i do about this, see a therpist, something anything to make me extroverted, because i am so freaking closed in, i want to get out. Im 19, i was on stimulants since i was 8 and got off when i was 18, 10 years. It would give me sort of like a stimulantion to talk, but now that im off it, well im trying everyday to be better.
>
> I want to get out and make friends, go to outings, i have before many but i have left. Please tell me social skills will come back.
>
> I notice that alot of times that, i dont respond back, and i need to because what is it worth just posting, if you dont feedback.
>
> I have got alot going on. Please tell me, anyone that reads this, out there, phillipa larry hoover, , heaven, ed, willyee, SLS, anyone! i know all you guys i just want to know that well you are just here through this rough time.
>
> I say something that doesnt really follow up in conversation because sometimes im not listening to much.
>
> Please some feedback
>
> Matt
poster:Kath
thread:652226
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060604/msgs/652792.html