Posted by corafree on June 4, 2006, at 5:42:34
We were divorced in 1996. He took my heart, my health, my home (a building), and divorced me since that was the agreement if I ever called the police again. I allowed my son (His father has never touched him.) to remain with him, as I fell apart (sickening) and sought hospitalization. My wonderful husband was really going to divorce me. (That's the 'stinkin' thinkin' that comes from these kind of relationships. He's the one that made me 'so goofy'!(??) I know no one can me me anything or do anything .. just want to blame someone .. ya' know?
Anyway, now I live just over a mile from him!
And, recently one of my two daughters and my new baby granddaughter moved in with him (not me!?). She is/was 'my love child' (not his daughter) and has a special place in my heart.
Did I already say this?
I'm 'losing it' and 'he's loving it'!
The children can't see it.
He is 'a charmer' and 'everyones best buddy'.
He knows exactly how to hurt me ... in many ways. I don't think he'll ever stop. He even raped me four years ago.(Serious) He's NEVER said, "He's sorry." (I don't think he's ever said he's sorry to anyone about anything.)
He threw me against walls a lot ... like I was a ragdoll. I have 3-4 c-spine disc extrusions and it is one of the reasons for my seeking disability.
I hate to say, "I Hate Him!" Seriously, I hate hating! But it comes so easily to me w/ regard to him.
I just printed out 'Emotions That Destroy; Anger and Bitterness' from beliefnet.
He's over there reveling in my sadness, poverty, and illness, and I'm convinced he will continue until the day he dies.
How can I control my anger? Of course I don't talk to him or like to go to his house. And, I don't have a lot of IRL friends. I end up talking to one of the children .. so not good.
I was very sick all day Saturday and it wasn't until the sun set that I realized a day had passed and none of my three children had come to see me.
Like 'sun downing', I suddenly got very angry and agitated, making weird faces at myself in the mirror, sitting in a tight corner smoking really fast, and jumping up and down, and doing this and that, and making a lot of noise doing whatever I was doing. I wanted to call someone and 'yell' about him still messing with my life. I thought about ending mine .. again. I wanted to get in my car and be found to have 'gone(?) missing'. I wanted someone to remember that 'I'm here too'! I wanted to go to an ER and have my stomach sliced open and my guts fixed. I wanted to go home, but I don't have one anymore.
The three children are young adults; only one, my son, is his child. My two girls knew him as step-dad since they were around 7-8y/o. Of course they cannot help but 'love' him, and like said, he's a charmer, gregarious, friendly ... on the outside. On the inside, that part I know, and no one that I know, knows, he's a back stabbing, bad talking, insecure person. We were married 13yrs, and yes, I allowed myself to be abused 10 of those years.
But, one of my daughters was abused by him physically (not sexually) in her teens. She was a rebel, but no matter. I remember a time he slammed her in a door jam. I would get between them. She is the daughter that just moved in with him!? :{
This is gonna' push me over 'some edge' if I/he/something doesn't change! I need advice.
Is it the moving so close to him? (Not my idea, choice; actually coincidental.) Is it my 'love child' being w/ him instead of me? Am I jealous of 'him' or 'her'? (See how crazy this stuff makes you!) Is it my knowing his reveling in my pain? Why can't he stop abusing me and find someone else to abuse? (I don't mean that; well I do think it sometimes when I'm really really mad!)
He never re-married and had a relationship.
I remember when he used to say, "I can't wait until the kids are grown and gone and we can have fun again!" and I'd say the opposite and add, "But I'd use reverse psychology". (You know, "of course you're strong enough to move out and be on your own", while all the time hoping they'll stay home w/ you forever. Your a mom and you love them soooo much! I always put them before my job. My ex always put his job before they and I.
Well ... black and white; he's got the life 'I wanted'! He has their love and companionship every day and my beautiful little granddaughter!
He never said he was sorry. He never went to jail for more than a night. He never paid a price. There was no justice. (Now there is 'no choice given a victim'. Yeah, I'm a woosss(?) Abuser automatically goes to jail now in my State.)
Why does 'he still get off on hurting me'? He never remarried or has had a relationship. I didn't remarry but have had a relationship. That person was here when he (my ex) came over one day. (Yes ... he, my son, and step-son helped me move to this new horrible secluded 'close to my ex' place I'm pretending to be a guest(?) in.) I have/had no friends w/ truck and time. Relationship guy couldn't have done it; manic .. met him in the hospital when went there after divorce. Oh .. I know!) Anyway, that day he came here and the other man was here, he stormed off, yelling at he and I.
He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to be with me. Right? What is up w/ that?
How can I 'keep down' the rising verbal vomit, "Do you love him more than me? Make a choice!", from spewing onto my children?
This situation is hurting me terribly and making me crazy angry and I don't like being angry.
I could move. I'm a lot more depressed, sad, angry, tired, and a mess than the sprinkling of humor might cause you to know.(?)
love,cf
poster:corafree
thread:652665
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060604/msgs/652665.html