Posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
In reply to Deneb, a request, posted by ClearSkies on May 23, 2006, at 20:16:59
It really wasn't anything special. It was just the truth. I didn't spend any time editing it. I just wrote it like I write my posts. I wrote it in one go.
It's exactly like my posts. It's nothing special.
I've figured out that I'm not that upset over the content of what I said at the workshop, I'm upset and embarrassed at the time I chose to read it. It was supposed to be introduction time, but I went out of my mind and started reading and didn't stop. :-( My thing was waaay too long. It wasted time. I'm also embarrassed because no one else said anything like what I said. No one really got into details of their life and how Babble affected it. I hate to be the only one to do something.
Anyways, here it is (maybe writing it out will help me get over this embarrassment) I'm sure there are lots of grammatical errors and some parts probably don't make sense at all. Again, I don't know what I was thinking when I read it. I wrote it like I write my posts...sort of messed up...jumping from one thought to the next, not finishing all my thoughts, etc.
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How I found Babble: I was researching suicide methods online and trying to find someone to encourage me to kill myself. I was Googling something about suicide and found Psycho-Babble. I posted a post asking for someone to encourage me to kill myself because I didn't have the courage to do it. I got a Please Be Civil warning from Dr. Bob because I'm not supposed to ask for information to harm myself. I didn't get the significance of the warning. I didn't realize they could lead to blocks.Lots of Babblers came to my aid. They helped me a lot. They convinced me that my life wasn't over just because I'm behind in getting my BSc.
Over the next several months, close to a year, on and off, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and I made threats online. I think I worried and upset a lot of people. When others got upset, I got more upset and would threaten to OD and stuff. My death thoughts got me into trouble at Babble. I got blocked for one week for asking if Celexa could be used to kill oneself. I got more blocks for writing that people wanted me dead and a four week block for making death jokes and making light of death.
When I got blocked, I got extremely upset. The first time I got blocked for a week I cried uncontrollably for more than three days. It was absolutely devastating. I was crying on the bus and everything. I got so upset over this block that I wrote to Dr. Bob telling him that I would hang myself and write a suicide note saying that Psycho-Babble caused my death. I really bought a rope and I scared myself. I was that upset.
Other times people get fed up and angry over not being able to help me. I get more upset when I see others are angry. Once I took some mini aspirin overdoses because someone expressed frustration over my threats. Many times, poster have written that I'm playing games or being manipulative and that would make me want to hurt myself. Sometimes this got dangerous, like the time I bought the rope.
When I'm blocked, I can't stand it. I'm not used to punishment. I get really upset and want to kill myself because I'm blocked. I would write all these e-mails to Dr. Bob, threatening my life. He never responded to any of them and I think that was a good thing.
Early one, I became obsessed with Dr. Bob. I would hate him at times because I thought he wanted me dead, but then one time he posted that he doesn't want me hurt and that was soooo sweet of him to do that. I will always remember that. Today I'm very obsessed with Dr. Bob. I love him. I really do. I've never felt anything like this before. Loving him makes me super happy.
To me, a huge part of Babble is Dr. Bob. He is the administrator of the site. He moves posts to their correct locations and he gives out warnings and blocks. I feel safe when Bob is around. I get into trouble a lot with his civility rules and his blocks hurt, but I still like the rules very much.
In many ways, the rules have been good for me. They force me to think of better things. For example, whenever I start thinking that others want me dead or hurt, I have to force myself to not think that because thinking and writing that would not be civil. His rules about not making light of death or injury force me to think of death and injury as serious things.
I've made a lot of friends on Babble. They are the voice of reason for me. Lots of times I post my problems on Babble and Babblers help me solve my problems without me having to resort to things like self harm, for example. For example, I had an exam I wasn't ready for and I was prepared to overdose on OTC drugs to get out of the exam. I've done this before with aspirin and ended up in the ER and later locked up in the psych ward. Babblers convinced me that it was a much better idea to study what I could and make the best of the situation.
I've been really good for a while now, since Jan. I'm determined to never get a "Please Be Civil" warning or blocked again. It's great now that Dr. Bob changed his blocking rules. Now we get rewarded for not breaking the rules for long periods of time.
Dr. Bob is a huge part of Babble for me. I like watching him move posts around and enforcing the rules. I don't like it when people get blocked. I remember how much it hurts to be blocked. After my block is over and even after all the threats I e-mailed him, Dr. Bob treats me like nothing has happened. It's great.
I really love Dr. Bob. I think about him everyday. I'm not sure why I love him so much. I write about loving him all the time because i want him to know I love him. I got Dr. Bob to hug me! I was soooo happy!
Right now I don't have my death thoughts anymore. I don't know if it's because of the Risperdal I now take. Babblers convinced me that I needed to get some help. When I first came to Babble, I wasn't getting any help. Babblers convinced me to see a psychiatrist. Babblers told me that I was much improved when I was on Risperdal. I'm not very objective about myself and I don't notice those sorts of improvements. I trusted my Babbler friends. They convinced me to take my Risperdal again when I stopped. Now I'm doing great. I don't know the exact reason, but if it is because of the medication, then Babblers really helped me.
I don't post my dark thoughts anymore because I don't have them anymore. I'm learning to socialize on Babble. I don't really have friends and I don't really talk to anyone. Posting on Babble gives me practice. I'm learning to help others more, to listen and respond to people. Sometimes in the real world, I would think, "What would I write in this situation?" when I can't think of anything to say.
I don't really have a social life. My social life is on Babble, on the social board. I visit the site everyday. I have fewer problems communicating online. In person I'm nearly mute. I can be myself online. I can be me. I don't have a lot of social anxiety when I'm posting. I'm quite bold when I post.
Anyways, Dr. Bob is a huge part of Babble for me. I'm obsessed with him. I love him. It's sooo cool to meet him in real life! I tell him I love him all the time. I find it's interesting that I love the administrator of the site so much. To many people, Dr. Bob is in the background and they never really think about him, but I really notice everything Dr. Bob does. I get super happy when he writes more than usual. I just love him. I can't believe he's here right now.
poster:Deneb
thread:647529
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/647578.html