Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 2, 2006, at 0:48:42
I was going to post this in the substance use board, but I thought, instead, that I'll post it here.
One of the things that can happen when you stop abusing alcohol is that you start feeling things more deeply because you aren't chemically stuffing your feelings. I think I had one of those experiences today.
You see, I take the local transit bus fairly often, and I see this woman every now and again. She's older, almost 80. We talk every now and again. She used to be a teacher, and she's very proud of the work she did. She had a special talent for helping children who had difficulty learning things. We're both Virgo's. She's told me about her children, her grand children, and even about some of the students she worked with.
I really enjoy talking to this woman. I know her birth date, and so many things about her. I don't know, maybe she's become a grandmother for me as I lost mine some time ago.
Anyway, today she climbed up into the bus, and she was having a bad day. She started talking, and mentioned that she had been to the doctor. They found that she has cancer on or in her pancreas. Unfortunately, her lungs are not in very good shape. She needs constant oxygen. Her pulmonologist said that she couldn't withstand the surgery to take care of the cancer.
I was devastated. We talked again today, but inside I was crying buckets. When I got off that bus, I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I don't want her to die. I don't want her to suffer.I want to keep talking to her, to get to know her better. While we were talking, she was saying that if she wasn't so sick that she might even like to go back to school and update her credentials and teach again. She is the kind of teacher that children remember. She was mentioning today that she had gone to a local town-hall type meeting and this man came up to her and said "You probably don't remember me", but she did, and reminded him of a trick he had played on her in her class.
She's just so amazing. I want to get to know her better. Maybe I'm selfish, trying to hang on to someone I've become quite fond of. It just really stinks that someone so wonderful will have to experience a terribly painful illness. The next time I see her on the bus, I'm going to make it a point to ask her her name.
She's an awesome knitter. She'll be working on projects on the bus, her fingers going a hundred miles an hour, and she's not even looking at what she's doing. She's talking, and looking right at you. I don't know... I just think that she still has so much to offer. There are so many talks I want to have with her. I'm so confused, feeling like I'm selfish, hurting, scared, I don't know. I think I'm feeling this as much as if it were a family member, and I just don't get it.
I spoke to my sponsor, and she says it's partly getting sober, and partly that I'm starting to feel more comfortable with myself and being more open to more people. Maybe.
I can't imagine what her children and grand-children must be going through. Still she's getting around and taking the bus, all on her own. It's amazing how someone you see for a few minutes at a time, maybe a few times a month can have such an impact on you.
--Dee
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:605367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060124/msgs/605367.html