Posted by Damos on August 3, 2005, at 18:07:15
In reply to Re: Given your word??? (nm) » Damos, posted by sunny10 on August 3, 2005, at 8:17:12
Yep, promised I wouldn't leave.
It's a sad tale of the stupid things you in desperate times and dark places. Kinda like what you were saying about helping everyone else while ignoring your own problems.
The woman I live with has chronic progressive MS as I've said before and is slowly and steadily getting worse. To the point now where she basically drags herself around with a walking frame or if out uses a wheelchair or her electric scooter. When we met she was just starting to have trouble with loosing feeling in her hands and I made her some things that helped her hold a pen and a few other things and we kinda just started hanging out. Then she had a bad fall and dislocated her elbow and not having any family called me, and I kinda moved in and looked after her. I guess we became a comfortable habit. She didn't expect what I couldn't give, and I gave what she needed. I just failed to consider me. Then she needed to move out of the apartment she was in (3rd Floor) cause she just couldn't do the stairs anymore so we agreed to buy a house together and because she couldn't work anymore either it was agreed that I would pay all the bills so she could keep her money for medical expenses etc. And because I firmly believed that this was as good as it would ever get for me I promised I would never leave. There was also a more difficult 'Million Dollar Baby' type promise made that I will keep should things come to that.
Having come this far, I'm not sure I really wanted to post any of this. Things were relatively okay until about three years ago when I bottomed out big time (she'd never seen this before). This revealed a lot of things about a lot of things, and I ran to the other side of the country for a week and nearly didn't come back. Basically sat on the beach and cried for a week. That was when I came back got DX'd and on the meds.
I made a promise that I intend to keep, hard as it is. But I have also chosen to work hard on myself and just become a better person. So, as much as I long to love again (or maybe in truth for the first time), the way my value system is set up, entering into a relationship with someone would be a betrayal of sorts if that makes sense. By staying in this house, this relationship, I have the safety and stability I need to allow me to explore me and the other things that I have denied myself for so long.
If it wasn't for my dog (another reason to stay) I often don't know how I'd get through. But I know that as I get more comfortable with me the general atmosphere improves. I made my choice and now I'm living with it. Should she choose to release me from my obligation that would be one thing, but I cannot and will not deliberately engineer or manipulate things in order to achieve a release.
I think that's enough for now.
poster:Damos
thread:536658
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050726/msgs/537212.html