Posted by sunny10 on April 18, 2005, at 11:05:35
I love you, too, you know....
I know that I don't make any sense to you right now. I know that you are guessing that my relationship with my SO is purely abusive and that I am acting like every abused "spouse" you have ever heard of.
The thing is, it is not me that is foremost abused. It is chemical abuse (whether coke or excess alcohol to make up for lack of coke). The agression is due to the chemical. He has had many, many, many days of being a noraml, kind, rational man over the last year and a half. Two instances of pushing and shoving (drunk while coming down from coke) and then this last time (who knows, maybe he was lying and coke WAS involved along with the alcohol again) which was the last time I will ever be in that position.
Even if he "walks the walk"- which I am less sure about every day- I will not live with him. I don't know that I would ever live with him again. Only time and couples counselling would tell that for sure- but I have already decided in my mind that unless he goes to anger management clases/therapy, I will not even go for couples counselling or attempt to work things out at all. And I am not sure it will ever come to that. I feel him pulling away emotionally already.
When you girls talk about Women's shelters and/or legal aid from women's shelters, you must understand that I do not qualify as a battered woman in need of assitance. I am already out of the house. We have no children in common. We are not married- there is no divorce, alimony, child support, et cetera to battle over. That's the assistance they give, legally.
The suggestion to use them is not a useful one for me. I am just plain overwhelmed- tired emotionally and physically. Coming into the realization that he is probably just pretending to want to work on "us"- and will probably split as soon as he has saved enough to get out of town.
Abused (emotionally and physically), and soon to be abandoned again. Story of my sad, pathetic existence. I am sick of it. Sick of being the only one who ends up hurt, lost, afraid, and exhausted.
I wish I had been aborted. If I haven't changed after 37 years, the probabiity that the same cycle will repeat itself over and over is so high as to be cataclismic. I don't want this life. And I keep trying over and over with so much exhausting effort to do therapy, read, practice copinkg skills- and nothing ever changes. I'm tired of trying any more. I give up.
It's not that I don't love you, anymore that I don't write more or call. It's because I have nothing good to say at all...
poster:sunny10
thread:485874
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050418/msgs/485874.html