Posted by sunny10 on March 16, 2005, at 7:51:43
In reply to Re: antigua (poss trigger) » Susan47, posted by antigua on March 15, 2005, at 22:48:52
If it's true that I am a codependent personality, then the situation I'm in is as much my fault as it is my SO's. That's fact.
Antigua, I was feeling this way all by myself, your post didn't "get me going"- as a matter of fact, it helped me to know that you guys are out there either feeling like I do or have felt like I do.
I have thought about an Al-Anon meeting- I have already looked them up in my area. Hmm, not a lot in my area, either!!! But the truth is, either I figure out how to be me and leave them (family and SO) to figure out how to help themselves or I figure out that this is, indeed, as good as it gets and bail. I just can't stand the hardwork and daily pain of it all anymore. I need to deal with MY problems, not his.
Twenty-one years of this crap is exhausting and I really can't even stomach the thought of another thirty,forty, or fifty of it until I die of natural causes.
That's not a life. Not one worth living. And if anything brought this line of thinking to light, it is what's going on with my father. He knows quality of life vs quantity. He chooses quality and it is understandable because he is eighty- the doctors may not agree, but they understand. I chose quality and because I'm 37, society labels me "selfish" and nobody understands. They immediately tell me to use meds- become someone else that is "acceptable"; mostly because I become numb and quiet. The feelings are still inside, but the meds keep me quiet, sleepy, and docile, so no one has to "deal with me". And the sleepy minded person is not me.
Having said that, I hope you guys understand that I AM going to read the books. I AM going to exert that energy one last BIG time (and more than one book, more than one author) to figure out how to feel like a worthwhile person.
I am going to give up even trying to figure out other people right now (and sorry, but that means babble, too). I'll be with you in spirit and even reading posts and trying to offer words of love, but I have to try to stop "helping". Because I've been helping other people to keep away from dealing with my own issues.
And, selfishly (sorry), I am going to throw one more question out to you guys.
How do I "experience and get past" (writing down and telling stories until it doesn't hurt to think about it- desensitization they call it) if I can't remember much of anything?
It's supposed to be a pivotal part of codependent AND borderline recovery... but I only have a basic outline of a memory. How does one "remember" emotional abuse and neglect? The neglect is non-action, thus no "memory" and the emotional abuse I ran from (to my room, out of the house, to my friends' houses, et cetera) and apparently buried the actual incidents because I can't remember WHAT I was running from, exactly...
Eeeeekkk. If I can't remember, does that mean I can't get better?
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050316/msgs/471596.html