Posted by indie on December 23, 2004, at 23:28:16
I've been away from here, but I wanted to jump back in to communicate with some folks who understand the crazy mental ride that is depression and bi-polar.
Issues, issues, issues.
I am bipolar and been in a deadly depression for months...like 13 months. Messing around with meds and one day I switched...just like that. Awake and ready to take on the world. Since finishing my Masters degree in May I have been on a friends couch...mostly dispondent, some consullting work here and there, but really didn't give a piss about anything.
Two weeks ago I woke up. I started looking for jobs. I got my own apartment. (which feels so good after couch dwelling for 6 months!!) Anyway, in my job search I was offered a job as a financial analyst. I also found my dream job, but they chose somebody else. Let me tell you, I am not taking rejection well these days. My moods are all over the map. The slightest victory makes me feel ecstatic, the slightest set back makes me feel worthless and I end up irritable as hell for days.
So now I have this job offer...which involves alot of sales. One minute I am so excited about a new challenge, the next I feel that the whole thing goes totally against my grain and thinking about it makes me nauseous. How can I take a job when my feelings toward it are so unstable. At this point, I need an income. But I can't stand spending 40-60 hours a week doing something that is just to pay the bills. I NEED to feel inspired...it keeps me on such a more even keel.
My mind is all over the place. I am not sleeping much. After such a long stretch of depression I just don't know what to do with the energy. I am visiting my Mom and some other family for the holidays. One minute we are laughing so hard it hurts, the next I am totlly irritated and snapping at people.
I feel like living in my mind is like an African safari. A marvelous place filled with beautiful landscapes and wonderful cultures to discover. A crazy place where the danger of a killer tiger tracking me down and ending it all.
I just really needed to vent all of this. I feel that I am on the edge between getting my life back on track and running it into total chaos. I can't sleep, so I thought that I would write it all down. Any thoughts...maybe advice...would be marvelous.
Indie
poster:indie
thread:433643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041217/msgs/433643.html