Posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 12:25:13
In reply to Re: attempt S.... » B2chica, posted by TexasChic on September 20, 2004, at 19:20:42
believe me, i'm VERY glad to be here...but some is worse.
yesterday was my first day back to work _came back too soon i think.
i got reamed for 1/2 hour from my boss. course i was 20 min late but he new i'm off meds and only averaged 2.5 hours of sleep for 7 days! anyway, he basically/he did say, i should be thankful cuz most employers wouldn't put up with this much, that they've "bent over backwards to accomodate me." but that he hired me to do work and it needed to get done. I am now on an "EXTREME probation". i WILL be to work from 9-5, i will Not be "allowed" in the building after 5:00, am no longer allowed internet use unless it's specific to an assignment. that i am no longer allowed to "chat" with friends here at work (all 2 of them). and will be tracking every piece of work that i do.
he then had the nerve to go up to one of my friends upstairs and told her that if i come up to talk with her that she is to "send me back downstairs where i belong" (offensive). luckly my friend is 50 and is VERY well worded, she told him what SHE thought of his demands on her-she had no intentions of abiding and that he better be REAL careful who else he 'talks' too that he could end up with a lawsuit on his hands-talking to other coworkers about my 'situation'. anyway. then he pulled me off my other 'co-boss', and that major project. this breaks my heart, i LOVE the work i get to do for him, i've been working toward the project all summer and he was going to run first subjects this week!! i am furious and disappointed, no dang it i'm sad.
So i lost my T, i lost one of my bosses'-though not his choice, i'm constantly exhausted but if i take off work this week?? well this is the first time in 5 years where he's EVER basically said my job is on the line here. i can't even imagine not working in research...i can't.
my work has been the one stable thing in my life, my saftey net.
Also, i have to keep on happy for my husband and family cuz their all (rightfully) scared to leave me alone, if i look even a little sad or disappointed or verbally express anything remotely depressed they stick like glue. now, i understand why-their scared. but MAN! if i don't cover emotions i get lecture on "talking" and calling them, or asking "what's wrong" ALL THE TIME! if i do cover then that's not helping me either.it just seems like the people who are "saying" they are there for me and 'helping me through this' are actually the ones making things worse!
can any (all) of you relate?
i know i'm used to taking care of them, and unfortunately i'm starting to do that again-assuring them, perking up for them, sitting through CONSTANT lectures of how i need to listen to people and talk to them....aaarrrrggghhhh!
the funny thing is, my husband says i should talk with him and my friends, well, now some of my "friends" continually tell me most marriages don't make it through, and i need to think about whether or not i want to keep trying!
ya, like that's helping! i did tell my pdoc that and he just briefly replied well, it IS just that..their opinion" but then the time was up so i left.
it seems like my priest was the only one that really said what i needed to hear, that sometimes things aren't better discussed with everyone. meaning he knows i have some underlying 'issues' with my past (though he doesn't know specifics) and he said sometimes telling family members or others can just make things worse either for you or for your family-he said to start with talking to a priest/pdoc etc., and go from there.
Finally someone who is saying it maybe ok not to tell family EVERYTHING. (depending of course...) but it just seemed like my family and friends are just so black and white about this whole thing!OH, one last vent. when my boss was talking with that friend. and since he's so used to being the 'expert' in his field he's suddenly become this Expert in people with bipolar so he mentioned that i was late and that i said it was my medication, he said to her (and i quote) that "they" tend to use that as an excuse..."they"...THEY, THEY!!!! my jaw dropped when i heard this! have you ever heard a more generalized phrase then this!! NOt to even MENTION about trueness to it REALLY effecting work (and other real life issues)
luckily she said dave, given the fact that B2 just got out of the center and how long i've been on this medication, that it IS possible it really is the medications (just started)? don't you think it Really Could be her meds?(somewhat sarcastically). She also said, considering what all B2 has just been through i hope you little 'talk' with her this morning didn't just send her over the edge.
I know it's petty or shows my BPD but i was SOOO glad she said that!
i mean for real, i wasn't feeling depressed but it sunk me lower than dirt. it's certainly brought me down.ok, i'm getting all my venting out now. And since i'm on the net at work! well, i just better get off now right?-hehe ;^)
oh, so if my posting is far between. i'm doing ok, but a lot of my access is limited to the public library in the evenings IF i can get onto one of the machines.
SO MUCH LOVE TO ALL my babble FRIENDS.
why does it seem that they've taken away my ONE contant support through all this...YOU. i NEED my friends that understand, that sympathise, that can share experiences...they have NO IDEA!!
i mean even my pdoc says that treating bipolar with meds is the equivalent to chemotherapy. some people gasp at that but considering the trial and errors, the possible side effects, etc. i do see the comparison and i wish others would to. Heck even my pdoc and other T said that there is no Expert on bipolar cuz Each case can be SO different...ok, i LOVE you all So much.
Thank you for still being here and sticking with me, despite all my issues, vents/rantings, sadness and anger.
You are all the Best support i've had throughout, since my Dx. just incredible.Thank you.
(and special thanks once again to Dr.Bob.-at least i know i always have one place of safety...)Lots of LOVE
B2c.
poster:B2Chica
thread:390892
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040914/msgs/393349.html