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I survived the weekend

Posted by saw on September 21, 2004, at 5:03:37

My husband did not want me to go out of town with him this weekend for a sporting committment because he became "sick and tired" of my behaviour. Oh, it's a long story. That was last Thursday. Well, I grovelled a bit because the weekend was important to me.

The weekend started with a tensish attitude but it was manageable. On to the airplane and WHAMMO - panic attack. It happened the last time I flew but thought it was because of the rush to the airport. I was dizzy, hyperventilating, shaking, clawing and then crying. And trying to do all of this without anyone noticing. Poor H extremely embarrassed but very sweet. The whole thing left me with a whopper of a headache.

The weekend proceeded with caution. I was very aware of the fact that H did not want me there. It screamed from his body language. He was just so cold. I so missed his casual touches every now and then. Especially as I was supporting him at his sport. Things got a bit sour at a party on Friday night, but I backed off. Saturday night, again a bit of tension. Sunday night at the prize giving - a total disaster. I was asking him a question, but not getting it, and so I persisted. He eventually swore and said I was asking stupid questions. I was so hurt. I already feel fat and ugly, and now I'm stupid too. He ignored me totally. I was so upset that I slipped off to the car and stayed there for the remainder of the evening. I cried solidly for more than an hour. All our friends noticed.

We flew back yesterday morning and the panic attack started again. I managed to keep it under control. It is not a fear of flying that brings the attack on. I felt extremely claustrophobic. My entire bubble space was invaded. Oh, and ironically, H was extremely affectionate and supportive on the flight back.

So here I am, back home and feeling terrified. H has been okay but finally mentioned what I HAVE BEEN DREADING that being on meds and drinking, changes my personality completely. I dodged and evaded the issue. I am terrified! And he is trying to help. Yesterday, he even bought sparring gloves and a knee bag to teach me kickboxing. A way to let my anger out!

I say again, I am terrified.

Sabrina


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