Posted by gardenergirl on August 31, 2004, at 11:15:12
In reply to Re: The real world vs. the uncivilised world » gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on August 31, 2004, at 10:58:47
Well, I guess in part you could say I was practicing "I" statements. I think there is often some value in expressing directly how you feel about a post within civility guidelines. For example, I asked ron1963 to refrain from using profanity in posts to me. I noticed he stopped cursing (at least in posts to me, but I think in general) when I expressed my offense at it. Perhaps hearing it from an "injured party" as a former supervisor used to say makes it more meaningful than just following rules. It certainly makes it more personal.
In addition, I think responding with calm and staying focused on the behavior can help diffuse anger. I remember a time once when I was teaching, and a very intimidating man was "in my face" right in front of the rest of the class about a failing grade that I gave him. It was quite nerve-wracking, but I used what I had learned in school about sticking to the facts and behavior without personalizing the exchange to diffuse him. (Boy were my knees knocking on the inside, though!)
I also am curious about how threads like that can evolve. What are the emotions and needs behind it? Just what goal or motivation does the poster have? I suppose I go into T mode a bit, which maybe isn't fair to the poster without prior warning. My husband would say I'm using my "therapy voice" at times like that. But I think that the only way I can learn this is to ask directly. And to do so with any hope of getting an answer (just like in therapy) requires phrasing the questions from an empathic stance. Perhaps that comes across as coddling or something similar. I suppose I prefer to think of it as modelling a more effective behavior (at least I hope more effective).
Although I had a moment of slippage in there, too. So I guess I still need to work on it! :)
Does this make sense? Or am I just babbling on my own planet?
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:384648
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/384705.html