Posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:09:59
In reply to B2 posts from work, I think, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 2:03:12
>>Susan47 says: Do you know what a body cut to ribbons looks like? You don't want that. Really. There's nothing nice about a dead body. Keep yours alive
i kinda do. i was very interested in criminal justice and have seen photos, but no irl ones. but i don't think you were getting it. I don't give a rip (pardon the pun) how i look. i WANT to FEEL that pain. every inch of shredding each limb that's become useless. i feel my own skin rip over and over every time i SI, that's why i do it. It's just that the little areas i do aren't enough anymore. Last night when i did it was a couple really good rips on my thigh but my fat thigh is so heavy that the skin peals apart by the weight and all i see is the white fatty tissue below, then i need to tape it together so that is doesn't have a wide scar.
ALSO, i work (everyday) with people with moderate to severe disabilities, 1/2 of which are terminally ill with a horrible disease that takes everything away from them including dignity. (in their eyes not mine). i know EXACTLY what that is and see it every day. the fact that i'm no longer functionig well enough to help them anymore is the issue! it's all i know, to help...i can't seem to do that now= extreme failure.TO ALL BABBLE,
i appreciate your kind responses and cares but i was not tyring to cry wolf on suicide attempt-i'm too much of a coward, failure to even do that (yes logically i know that is not a failure..but...). i am Sick and Tired, Angry, Hurt and i can't stand this torture of see-saw emotion effect i'm having. The confusion Pounds in my head every minute of every day. I have "attempted" once before and failed-(pathetic attempt)this makes things worse.Friday was real tough for me. I took the day off cuz i had a doc appt in the morning and thought it would make me better, it didn't. I became more frustrated and angry/sad. I came right to work cuz my desire to attempt was strong, i scared myself. but i felt even more alone here so i went home it was about 12:10 and all i wanted to do was swallow my pills, i thought about my T. i Wanted to call, i Really Really did but i played out our conversation in my head-i'd call during his lunch hour (there's a good start-sarcasm), he'd have to call me back...i'd wait, when/if he would Finally call he'd probably just suggest i go to the hospital, i don't want to go. He'd them ask how he could help..."I DON"T KNOW"???...end conversation.
I think what saved me then was that i started crying so hard i couldn't move from my bed and literally, LITERALLY cryed myself to sleep (around 12:30ish) and didn't wake up till 6:40 when my husband came home.
Scott was understanding that i feel a stupid F#@$ that can't get anything right, so even if i made an attempt it would be messed up, don't worry.
Friday i was so angry- today i'm back to being withdrawn/just don't care. i'm glad i had to go to work, i feel safer from myself here.
Tomorrow is my appt with my T. Right now i feel like canceling...but i won't. I want to SI more...i won't, i'm ready to cave in and stop fighting...i won't.
That's why i'm in pain. i'm technically getting help but it's not enough. i have so much coming to the surface i just can't stand it. so i try to push it down, then i don't talk, regret, anger, ready to die, don't= failure, disappointment. Cycle starts again.
it feels endlesss...
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:382613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/384097.html