Posted by Cinderella on August 5, 2004, at 16:42:11
I know what you're thinking. "This better be good. Doesn't she know there is a nursing shortage???" There are many sources of depression: internal, circumstantial...the list goes on. Most of us find ourselves caught in a web of problems that are interconnected. Right now, I am contemplating leaving my job which I think is part of my ill feelings. You see,I am a nurse and I didn't just get there by attending college. I was groomed to the profession from an early age. From the age of 6, I was giving glucose to my mother who I would find nearly passed out on the couch from an insulin reaction when I got home from school some days. Her condition wasn't her fault. It was no one's fault. That's just the way it was. In addition, mother was dealt the ace of spades which really fanned the flames of a dysfunctional home: psychosis. She was bipolar and schizophrenic which made her mean and abusive. It made me codependent. I have a younger brother but he wasn't the scapegoat. I was. Girls are meant to be caretakers; especially when they are the big sister. My father was a doctor and was gone alot so I took charge. I found through the years that rescuing my mom from her diabetic reactions and soothing her through her delusional episodes brought secondary gain. When she wasn't verbally abusive to me, mother was praising me for my "good nursing skills" she called them. She said I was a special angel. I felt a sense of empowerment and sort of a high from fixing someone. This is at the heart of why I joined the profession. Nurses are codependent which in reality, is not healthy. Mother always said I would be a nurse when I grew up and she was right. Little did she and I know that choosing this profession was like writing myself a prescription for low-dose arsenic. It has slowly killed me and smothered the creative, graceful and sensitive human being inside that I was meant to be. During Jr. high and high school, I took jazz and ballet and enjoyed acting and dancing in plays at school. My drama coach whom I will always remember as a comforting and inspirational source in my life, told me I had a lot of potential and should pursue acting as a career. He told me the pitfalls though and I listened carefully. Mother and dad would come to see me dance, sing and act in the plays at school and mother would sometimes have a snide comment waiting for me back stage after the shows. "You really stunk tonite, My Dear," she would say in a low, acidic tone. "You were TERRIBLE." When you're 16 years old, this cuts like a knife. Who knows? Maybe mom was jealous? Not long after these cutting remarks from her, I began having panic attacks. They got so bad, I was afraid I would die. The panic attacks soon turned to depression and followed me to my first year in college where I majored in dance. I felt miserable. My first year, I performed a ballet solo at the spring gala at the university. Mom and dad came to watch and mom said I was too fat to be a ballerina. Another blow. I began losing weight off my 5'3" 117 lb. frame until I got to the weight which I still struggle to maintain now which is 104. Now, 20 years later, I am stilling dancing as a hobby and fight with the eating disorder demon. When I could no longer stand who I was, I gave in to my low self-esteem and changed my major to nursing. I could have been a doctor like my father but he always told me I wasn't smart enough. I figured I was destined for sick people and this was my noble calling. After graduating with a degree in nursing, I met and married a dead beat alcoholic who sired my first and only child. I stayed married to him for 10 years. When I wasn't taking care of my patients and my daughter, I was taking care of him; bailing him out of jail and all the financial problems created by his joblessness and drinking. It began to take it's toll on me. My anxiety got worse and I began to have headaches and irritable bowel syndrome. We finally divorced. I have been in nursing almost 20 years now. 12 of those years, I have been a nurse examiner at a clinic for homeless teens and abused and neglected children. The stresses are EXTREME. I have since remarried but I am very lonely in my marriage and don't see my husband much due to the distance and time spent on our jobs. Nursing has sucked all the life and health from my body. I rarely get to take vacation or sick time when I need it because I am the only nurse in my office who knows how to do these special exams for these children. I get paid very well. That's not the problem. The real problem is, after 20 years, I am SICK and tired. And I do mean literally sick. I have a painful condition called sacroileac arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, depression, esophageal reflux disease, psoriatic and osteoarthritis. My medicine cabinet is over-flowing with antiacids, anti-inflammatories, anti-depressants for all the leaks in my codependent nurse body. Well, it all boils down to this: you've heard of physician heal thyself, right? I'm not even a physician. I'm just a nurse. I've always been just a nurse. I'm sick of nursing. I'm sick of taking care of sick people and not taking care of myself. The so-called experts in nursing burnout who are former nurses themselves advise, "just meditate and breathe deeply to prevent burnout." Yeah. Easy for them to say now. They no longer work in the trenches. Long ago, I thought going into nursing was a noble thing to do. Now I think it was self-destructive. Well, what is the next frontier? What about the money? Job security? If I change professions, will I be as much in demand? Truthfully, I think at 43 it is both unreasonable and unrealistic to pursue an acting career. Perhaps marketing or advertising. I feel lost and in a brainfog right now but I know after it clears, I will know what it is I that I really want to do. Thanks for reading this, if you did. I don't know if job burnout is my real problem or not. It just seems like it. I know I shouldn't whine. Other people have it so much worse than me. I've seen the pain and misery people go through. It see it every day. I really have had a pretty good life. It's just that I feel blah inside and I'm sick of everything and can't see a way out. I know I need an attitude adjustment but just don't have the guts or energy right now to snap out of it.
C
poster:Cinderella
thread:374448
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040802/msgs/374448.html