Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 14:36:37
In reply to Re: Letting go » Angel Girl, posted by Emme on June 16, 2004, at 11:00:53
Emme
> Hi AG,
>
> Yeah, that's frustrating as can be. And not very fair to you. But it does make some sense to me. I think that sometimes people take a little while to process things and the way they feel about something can change. And not necessarily in a favorable way. I sometimes find myself having an intial response to something, and then have a different feeling about it the more I think about it. I don't mean that it's okay to jerk you around. Just that if you're trying to figure out WHY she did it, that there's a possible explanation. At any rate, it's her issue now and hopefully she'll be able to put it in perspective and set it aside.
>Of course, you're right. I've done that many times myself. Part of my problem is that I'm so impulsive. It never occurrs to me that there could be any other reason for changing her mind, other than something negative about me.
>
> It sounds like a mismatch between your needs and the needs of the other person. The other person may feel like they've finished dealing with a problem. Or it may not be quite as serious an issue for them and require less discussion. You may simply need a little more talking to feel comfortable. If you're feeling unsettled about something, can you ask the other person to discuss it a little more - "I'm still feeling a little unresolved about X. If we can just chat about it for a couple of minutes I think I'll feel better." Or something like that. It's not good to be in a position where you'll stew.
>Unfortunately, I run up against this every time there is a conflict between somebody else and me. I've tried to ask for them to take a little bit of time to help me find closure, they never will. The problem is, is that I think everyone is so sick of my illness and how it manifests itself, that they just don't want to deal with anymore than absolutely necessary. :(
>
> That's gotta be a painful state to be in. Your frustration definitely comes through. You deserve to have enjoyable friendships! There's no reason why that can't change. You can do it. You mentioned looking for a therapist. That definitely sounds like a good move.
>The ONLY way that I'll ever be able to have any kind of a relationship with anybody is to learn how to do just that in therapy. It does make me very frustrated and it also makes me feel very much alone. But I had to come to the conclusion that I won't try to make friends with anybody in the future until I've learned some tools in therapy that will help me to have a healthy relationship without all the strife. I have a LONG road ahead of me.
> Well, helpful medication sure makes a difference. Some CBT with a good therapist is very good. Socializing is important. I find hanging out with friends or taking to them on the phone very helpful. You don't have the social circle you need right now. But when you feel better and start to establish friendships, it'll probably give you enhanced mood control.
>Well, I guess I've never found the right medication to help me with this. Socializing? I guess I didn't mention that I'm socialphobic eh!!! I don't have ANY friends IRL, only on the net, sad but true and even the number of net friends has dwindled drastically. My behavior must be totally irrational because I always screw up every relationship I have.
> I think we *all* are sensitive to rejection and can feel insecure about what's said to us. It's a matter of degree. You just need the volume turned down on yours.
>I've been overly sensitive as long as I can remember. Where is that dang volume control knob?
> If you're feeling intensely upset about something someone said or did, give yourself some time to let your emotions simmer down. Distract yourself for a few hours with work, a yoga class, etc., then think of a bunch of possible interpretations about what's going on. Including the possibility that the other person has something going on that has nothing to do with you. Then decide how you want to proceed. But I think the key is coming up with multiple possible interpretations. Of course all of this is way easier said than done. I'm not as good as I'd like to be at waiting things out.
>I am starting to delay my reaction to a situation now. I'm such an impulsive person and I usually act out immediately and then that's where I get into trouble. I often times misinterpret what is being said to me as well as analyze everything to death. My thought processes is royally screwed up. How did I get to be so different than everyone else? I wasn't like this before.
>
> You got a mild case of SJS, right? Hope it clears up quickly. Good luck in finding a therapist.
>
> Emme
Yep I do. I seem to be developing new rashes every day but they're all minor but the itch makes me CRAZY!!! I hope it clears up soon too. I hope I find a new therapist soon too. The sooner I get started, the sooner my life will improve.Thanks Emme. So often I need things pointed out to me because I can't see them myself. Naturally, my way has always been the wrong way. I'm just so paranoid.
AG
poster:Angel Girl
thread:356809
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/357304.html