Posted by waterfall on May 6, 2004, at 21:53:46
i usually post over on the med board, but this isn't really appropriate for that.
about a year ago I decided I wanted to go off all of my medication - Depakote, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Provigil (plus Klonipin and Ativan for occasional use). I was diagnosed BP in 1994 and hospitalized. After a couple of horrific years I managed the holy trinity of mental health care (car, job, apartment) and beyond! (promotion, marriage, grad school). Once "arrived," I doubted my diagnosis and didn't remember anymore who I was without the drugs - I started taking them at 22. It took 6 months and a lot of careful negotiation with my psych but in November of '03 I took the last of my cocktail and since then have been carefully monitoring my moods and still taking Klonipin and Ativan maybe 2-3 times a week (It is my eventual goal to be off all Rx but I'm just not there yet.).
I had a three-week period of mild euphoria in Feb-March and over the past several weeks have had more and more trouble with depression. A couple of days have been scary-bad (not suicidal, just that desperate, hopeless feeling where you are certain you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life). My Klonipin was two years old and I wanted a fresh script but with the anxiety, depression and euphoria I didn't want to go back to my psych as I'm still determined to give this going-off-my-meds-thing a try. So, I went to my regular doc and told him flat I wanted a Rx for the K and I didn't want to ask my psych for it because I thought she'd try to give me an anti-depressant with it. He wrote the script as a one-time thing. Now I feel guilty - I never went "behind her back" for anything, even though I haven't seen her in 6 months. I'm feeling fragile from the depression and so the guilt and anxiety has free reign with my psyche.
I miss my psych but at the same time I want to remain independent. She was my therapist for 10 years and her opinions on my mental health became mine and I really need to have separate opinions.
In any case, I know there isn't much to respond to in all this, but I just wanted to say it all out and have someone else hear it.
My only request for the universe is that there is no after-life. I'll stick it out through this life, but really, can we just call it quits with my death? My oh-so-shaministic friends are just horrified by that lol.
poster:waterfall
thread:344173
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/344173.html