Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2004, at 9:43:29
In reply to Re: My boyfriend's depression is driving me crazy!, posted by rachel11 on May 2, 2004, at 1:54:18
Rachel, don't feel bad about that. Marriage is way more than two people in love or two people wanting to be together forever or anything like that. Marriage is a societal and personal commitment and should be based on a healthy dose of common sense as well as genuine feeling.
The truth is that his depression will affect your raising kids, he behavior around kids, his ability to help you. Your life in a lot of ways other than kids. It will affect your social life. It will affect your own mood. My father was depressed on and off (mostly on) all my life, and the whole family paid a price.
None of that alone is reason not to marry him, but it is reason to do it with caution and a lot of conversations beforehand, perhaps with a couples counselor. Even if you weren't having problems now, I think a couples counselor would be able to give you an idea of what you're getting into.
My husband and I dated a long time. My main problem wasn't depression, but anxiety and phobias. When I raised the subject of marriage, he sat me down and we had a very unromantic and businesslike (and totally appropriate) discussion of expectations. His marrying me was frankly contingent on things like my taking responsibility for not letting my fear of vomit get in the way of childrearing. Therapy, whatever it took, here were his expectations. I had a few of my own. We negotiated like diplomats over a peace treaty. And I appreciated that he was sensible enough to do that. Here was a man that took marriage seriously and intended to be in it for the long haul.
Medications, therapy, and just maturity in aging a bit all help a lot with depression and mood swings. If he's serious about marrying you, he should be able to make a commitment to get whatever help he needs to be the husband to you and the father to his future kids that he wants to be.
Which is not to say that everything will be perfect after that. It won't be. It isn't in my marriage, although I can't say it's all my problems. Healthy people contribute their own problems to a marriage. :) But it's a sign of good faith. A sign of commitment. A sign that he is willing to work to be the best he can be.
Ok, off my pet peeve. I know a lot of people would consider the attitude my husband and I took towards marriage to be vastly unromantic, but it worked well enough for us. And yes, I can manage my vomit phobia enough to do what I need to do. :)
poster:Dinah
thread:339967
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040430/msgs/342427.html