Posted by Scott in Vermont on April 23, 2004, at 12:03:28
In reply to Re: Just feeling flat... again, posted by rainyday on April 23, 2004, at 10:16:10
It’s odd that you used the word "champion" in your post to describe me, because that very concept is what is causing me so much hurt and doubt right now.
I hate this. I hate all of this. I used to be my wife's champion, protector, and defender, and now I’m going to be her destroyer? There is something horribly wrong with that idea to me. I didn’t want this. I didn't want to have to respond so harshly just to defend myself. I keep asking myself the same questions over and over... and in the end, it doesn't matter. It is what it is. But saying that doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I used to love her. I used to want to be her man and be her champion and be there for her when she needed me. Now, I’m going to be the reason she need someone else. I’m not her champion, I’m her nemesis, her archenemy… and I don’t understand why.
Yes, she initiated this divorce, she refused any attempt to reconcile, she fired the first shot that made this process so bitter, and she refused to reconsider even when I called her from my lawyer's office to give her one last opportunity to not do this like this. I should have no moral or ethical qualms whatsoever about what is about to happen to her, because she has shown me nothing but hatred, spite, and bitterness.
But I do. I feel terrible. I feel like everything is hopeless, and that nothing good will ever grow again on the field where this battle is going to be fought.
I know I will heal and move on. I'm an adult and I have life experience that will help me cope. My children (6 and 8) do not have that benefit. It is for them that I feel most frightened. This is all happening at a terrible time. The peak of conscious childhood, before their bodies start to change them into little adults and their social contacts turn them into "teenagers". To me, this is ending their innocence too early. To me, this is unconscionable. My wife has sought to “find” and “free” herself, and in doing so has torn asunder the lives of many, many people.
I keep trying to focus on the hard facts, but I keep slipping back to the “what if I had done this or that…” and I feel an enormous amount of guilt for not laying down and allowing myself to be stomped on by her spurious lies and her vicious lawyer.
I’m hoping some sleep and a mellow weekend with the kids will help me settle my feelings. My resolve is unchanged, I just want to emotionally accept that what I am doing is all that I can do, everything else was already tried and I should move on and focus on what needs to be finished.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:336365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040422/msgs/339157.html