Posted by pegasus on March 15, 2004, at 14:29:10
In reply to Problems with Hubby, posted by tinydancer on March 15, 2004, at 1:46:21
Ugh BIG TIME. I am so sorry that your husband doesn't understand depression and all of what you are going through. I think our society (and I'll include western Europe in that) tends to see mental illness as a matter of will. But it is not. So here are some reality checks for your husband (feel free to share them):
I have depression and I ride my bike to work every day, run, do Pilates (like yoga), swim, hike and mountain bike . . . when I'm feeling good. These things do not keep depression from coming around again. I've had times when my major accomplishment for the day was eating something. Going for more walks is not going to cure your depression. Did you see the earlier post from Phil about Terry Bradshaw (football player). That guy was *in shape* and he was a career athlete. And that did not make his depression go away. It is incredibly disrespectful to all of us who suffer from this to think that such a simple solution is going to solve the problem.
Another thing is that my husband used to resist things that would help me, like paying a lot for therapy, and taking meds. At one point my T called him in to have a talk. (Actually, he told me to tell my H that he would like to talk to him.) My husband went in without me (my choice), and my T changed my H's mind about the meds. Now he's incredibly supportive. I think having a professional explain to him that my problems were not a matter of will power, were not going to go away on their own, were not going to be solved with exercise, were not his fault, were not my fault, etc. made a big difference. Would your T be willing to do something like this with your H?
I agree with whoever said that maybe he's so disrespectful because he feels threatened by your illness. Maybe he doesn't know what to do, so he minimizes or ridicules it? Because maybe the alternative is feeling helpless. I liked the idea of asking him to help you walk more, or do other things that might be helpful.
I hope you are able to establish a truce that makes living with him not destructive to you and all of your efforts to overcome this. I'm really glad you posted here about it, though, because we'll always support you! It's tough to have loved ones working against you.
- p
poster:pegasus
thread:324476
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/324665.html