Posted by Mark H. on February 25, 2004, at 14:31:51
In reply to how to lower my expectations, posted by socialdeviantjeff on February 24, 2004, at 13:04:10
Hi Jeff,
An alternative to lowering your expectations is to clarify your values. When I used to teach values clarification, I'd ask people to write down what they value in three broad categories of self: parent, adult, and child (these are termed "ego states" in Transactional Analysis, and I found them valuable for helping complex people think in simple, concrete terms about themselves).
For me, the parent list contains all my "shoulds," many of which I got from my parents. Examples are getting an advanced degree, learning to play the piano, being a responsible citizen, making a good living. Some of the "shoulds" on my list were useful and important to me; others were a semi-conscious burden that made me feel incomplete or unaccomplished.
My adult list included getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, giving my employer a good work week, spending quality time with my wife, pursuing my spiritual interests, and enjoying photography and classical music.
My child list included things like spending time playing outdoors and cuddling with my spouse. I found it was important to get in touch with the values of my "inner kid," because if I'm not meeting his needs, he'll sabotage my adult efforts.
When I wrote down everything that I value (and the time needed for each related activity), it was clear that I was being unrealistic about what I could do in any given day, week, month or year. The next step in the process was prioritizing my values, making the hard decisions of what was more important and what was less important to me.
Going through this process made my expectations more realistic and achievable. Instead of feeling that I had lowered my expectations (disappointing myself or others), it gave me a concrete list of what I value and where I want to put my limited resources. Although many of my "shoulds" and some of my dreams fell below the line, giving them up was based on getting more of what I valued most.
Those of us who suffer from mental illness sometimes compare ourselves unfavorably to others who are not impaired, but everyone suffers, even the most accomplished. Being clear about where I put my efforts is tremendous consolation for not having a master's degree. :-)
With kind regards,
Mark H.
poster:Mark H.
thread:317189
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040219/msgs/317577.html