Posted by galkeepinon on December 29, 2003, at 19:22:27
In reply to Things are getting ugly, posted by Emme on December 29, 2003, at 19:00:39
I know how you feel, sorry you're feeling that way, I wish I had the good ole magic wand for both of us. I just took my dog to the vet for what was supposed to be shots and a nail trim, now she's overnight with a bowel obstruction, blood in her stool, bloodwork, x-rays, and possible surgery-I'm heartbroken. She's only 2, and I feel horrible because evident;y she has just eaten too much of the bad stuff like squeak toys, cardboard, cloth, etc.. when the tears started flowing about her, it was like a domino effect. I turned to my mom and just said if I get drunk and take some pills will you take me to the ER? How selfish and hurtful of me! I owe my college $2400 because I dropped a class, which I still don't understand, my family is i n cahoots, I care so much about them, I had a really nice dream about my dad the other night that he came to me and apologized for not being there and I apologized that I cut him off a year ago, but that's a dream I know will never come true, chest pains for weeks, got the DX of BPD which I'm not too proud of, I feel like I have no friends, and to be honest I don't-no wonder huh. Who wants to be around a negative, depresed person, that's all I can be right now, I tell myself I'll let the tears flow, my pdoc is out of town, should I check myself in to a hospital or just grow up and be strong.
So I thought I would sit and write where at least no one has to see me physically but I can gfet some of this out. I hate to be negative, but I can't help it right now and is this really a chemical imbalance or is it just the way my life is going to be forever. I just tell my family they should put me, no, I should put me in a board and care because I'm obviously not dealing with life very good. So vulnerable, so frustrated, so lost, so sick of it all. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day-hangover or not. I have Tylenol 3 and I'll go to the store for the booze, maybe that IS just what I need!!!!!Hang in there Emme.
Kristen
Thanks for letting me vent, sorry to be such a downer, I don't mean to, I just think I've had about as much as I can take too. Maybe better tomorrow maybe not, oh well..> - no job
> - no irons in the fire (have been to depressed over the last few months to rattle enough cages).
> - gawd only knows how long it'll take to find something if I do get the search back underway.
> - few clues about what I want to do
> - Am signing up to be a sub. It won't pay enough.
> - halfway through cobra
> - savings rapidly disappearing and that will be that.
> - still have non-functional days
> - profoundly unmotivated even though things are getting tight and I need to get moving
> - landlord is very nasty and wants to raise rent a huge amount
> - apartments are hard to come by around here and I don't have an income to satisfy a potential landlord
> - Had to dump the equivalent of a month's rent and utilities into my poor little honda. Will need additional routine repair in 3,000 miles.
> - About to start my new calendar year $1,000 deductible on out-of-network mental health (in network would be $5000) I can ill afford it.
> - My pdoc is wonderful. I can't afford her. She's out of network and I get almost nothing back. I don't want to have to change doctors but...
> - Therapist is wonderful. I can't afford her after the new year either.
> - I should move because of the high rent, but not sure where to go and it would be destabilizing at the moment.
> - My dad is being sweet and is helping me some. But even still, my situation is getting precarious.
> - Moving in with family members not an option.
> - I saw all these things coming...and somehow I didn't get it together and I am deeply ashamed.
>
> Anyone who's read my "bad day" posts has seen most of this before. It's just reaching critical mass. Okay, it could be worse. No one is shooting at me. I don't have to support anyone but myself. But still. As I walk around, everything feels completely unreal and dreamlike. I keep hoping I'll wake up.
>
> I feel backed into a corner and I think there is only one way out.
>
> Emme
>
>
poster:galkeepinon
thread:294449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/294461.html