Posted by kara lynne on December 29, 2003, at 1:25:44
On Xmas. He made it seem like he did all he could, but I just won't talk to him. He said he just wanted them to know that he was sorry to have them out of his life. Why did he do that?
He told my father how he's taking so much better care of himself now, how he keeps regular hours and practices intense yoga in sauna like heat. He told my mother he thought if he moved into the nice house he's in now that it would make me happy--as if he had offered me the world and I inexplicably turned it all down. And the coup de grace--he said, 'if it means anything, we went shopping for wedding rings just weeks before we split up'.
Why did he do this? I started twitching out of my skin, ready to call him and blast him--but I did nothing. I just can't understand what his intentions were. To make himself look good? To make sure I knew he was doing Inyegar yoga, or whatever the he*l it is? To torture my mother by saying we were shopping for wedding rings, but ooopsy! It just 'didn't work out'--but not for lack of the angel trying. He's told me he misses me and loves me but I won't talk to him. Well he said he loved me and he missed me all the years we were together--but those particular two words have to have a little follow through if you want to be in a relationship wiith someone. Otherwise it's just like pulling a string on a dolly. And then the dolly would also have to say all the mean and nasty things this little yogi spat out of his mouth in his more impure moments. And then, so he misses me and loves me---SOOOOO? What comes after that? Him talking about a stray cat, in his case. No, 'I love you madly and want to buy you that ring now.' Nothing. Which leads me to believe he dose not really want me back. He just wants to say he tried. He does everything except the action it would take to make anything work between us. This is his M.O. But he can get on the phone and make it sound good, oh yes he can. BUT WHY?
He didn't mention the rest of it though, like the 'ultimatum' he said I forced on him. That he said we were going to marry after 3 months of moving in together, and after a year and a half, when he decided to pull a geographic and get away from his drug source and wanted to move again (all for dear little kara, right) I said I wouldn't unless we were going to get married. One day we did look for rings and I was afraid he would get sick, standing over in the corner glowering in disgust. He turned that back on me too, saying he wasn't 'enthusiastic' enough for me so I got mad. Interested would have done, folks, interested. Enthustiastic--well that you might expect from someone who actually wants to be there. But in our case yes, interested would have sufficed.
No comments to them about being loaded for all the important moments, dinners we went to together that he made a mockery of, how he couldn't keep his word about anything. No word about being sorry for how much pain he put me through, not even a thought about it. Just that masturbatory little catch phrase, ' I love her, I miss her'....as if it absolves him of everything for the rest of his life and any life after this. He takes no responsibility, except to gloat about his new body, which of course I won't see or get the benefit of. Why did he do this?
This really isn't a rhetorical question, I could use some help if anyone's got it to give. I was doing significantly better, ask fallsfall. I even had a couple of days when I felt good and strong about the whole break up, and the obsessions had shifted to better places like, WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS 4 YEARS AGO instead of waiting so long.
And now of course: he's fixed. Why AFTER I leave, do I have to hear that he's tranforming, cultivating some of the qualities that would have helped our relationship? Suddenly he's focused on his health, and staying off drugs is important, and when we were together I was ridiculed for making these priorities? And why do I have to hear this now? So I'll be sure and know what I could almost have had? Well thank you very much for this new version of torture.
Well I am back to the first round of obsessions and I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I think I'm angry, and getting angrier. Because also, for one fleeting moment, my hopes are up. Until I dig and dig and still can't find one thing he said that means anything--about anyone else but him, I guess.
poster:kara lynne
thread:294220
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/294220.html