Posted by Ilene on December 19, 2003, at 16:13:49
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
Thank you all for responding. Sometimes I post and no one replies. Not that there's a requirement or anything.
Today is pretty lousy, too. Yesterday afternoon and evening was better. I managed to get out of the house and run a bunch of errands in good time today, but I just faded out. I don't feel any better for checking those things off my "to do" list. I need to start dinner pretty soon, and I'm tired. I never have enough energy.
I don't *want* to kill myself. I would hate to hurt my kids any more than I have already, but I don't want to go on like this. I've spent years waiting for something to change. My health is getting worse. I try to think positive thoughts, but I can't force myself to feel positive feelings. Sometimes I have some good days when I feel that things might turn around, but nothing has changed for the better for me.
My husband is coming for a visit. (He's got a job out of state--we'll all be moving in a few months.) I'm half happy and half terrified. Happy for the obvious reasons, terrified because I feel horribly guilty for being so useless, not able to keep my end of the relationship going.
I've tried maybe a dozen drugs. The only two that worked eventually pooped out. Nothing has worked for a few years. My current pdoc likes to do things very gradually--it's just excruciating. I'm frightened that I'm now truly refractory to treatment. I tell myself it's pointless to worry, but I can't always stop myself.
Got to stop now.
Ilene
poster:Ilene
thread:291128
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/291682.html