Posted by Emme on December 16, 2003, at 8:06:34
Hi All,
I’ve seen a few threads on career stuff here and really need to rant myself. Massively. I think this rant is going to be really really self-pitying, negative, long, and incoherent. I didn’t come back to PSB intending to go on a grump-fest, but it’s just oozing out like crazy.
Here we go. I’m in my late 30’s, single, wanting a family verrry badly, and in career crisis. Work issues are obviously first on the list because I have to pay the rent. I am sure it’s fueling my depression, and vice versa.I’ve gone to career counselors, taken all the tests, and we came to the mutual conclusion that we were spinning our wheels – and they are expensive. I just can’t seem to make up my mind about what I want to do, have a hard time thinking of creative career options, have a lot of preconceived fears about jobs and the job market, and can’t seem to muster up the drive and motivation to research possibilities and I haven’t had it in me to even take on volunteer work (I think *part* of that is the depression and part my own personality.).
I just can’t seem to break through this logjam for anything. I want to feel enthusiastic about what I ultimately do, but I don’t feel enthusiastic about doing much of anything. Except maybe a faculty position or a position in a good government lab. I’m submitting applications, but I suspect my CV has suffered too much to make me really competitive.
My job ended nine months ago and I’m paranoid that that’ll make me unattractive to potential employers. My depression was already difficult and spiraled pretty badly once I was out of work for longer than a few months. But one can’t say “I took so long because I was incapacitated by a mood disorder.” Sure way to get your resume tossed into the circular file cabinet. I can try to puff up a few things, but they don’t fully account for my lost time. I’m steamed and dismayed that this illness and my own indecisiveness have derailed so much of my life.
Want to hear something neurotic? I’m jealous of a lot of people, and that includes my pdoc and my therapist. I look at them and see that they are both skilled and successful at something they feel strongly about. I want to be in their shoes. It’s eating me up not having myself on track where I’ve developed a solid career and a feeling of competence at something worthwhile. Maybe I’m just beating myself up, but there it is. The obnoxious overachiever side is screaming bloody murder and the depressed side is saying “I give up, I can’t deal with the pain anymore, let’s get out of here!”
BTW, I second the person who said they’d like to go back to school and get an MSW and become a therapist. I feel the timing isn’t right for more schooling though.
And then there’s not having a partner and child eating me up just as much and making me feel more aberrant. I’m living on savings which are rapidly dwindling, accepting help from my father who shouldn’t have to do this for me at his age, driving an old car which is in the shop, need new glasses, expect a large rent increase, am halfway through my COBRA, and have a $1000 deductible on out-of-network mental health, which means I’m not yet sure if I can afford to see my therapist after the new year. I know that things could certainly be way worse, but I do feel like a train wreck that’s going to happen soon. Moving in with family isn’t an option. Am I going to end up on the street? I’m working on getting a certificate to become a substitute teacher, but that won’t pay a lot. Frankly, my sense of self respect and confidence are shot to “a very hot place”.
Okay, I’m done. Thank you for tuning in. Mega-thanks to anyone who had the patience to read. Maybe I’ll feel more in control tomorrow. Have a good Tuesday.
Emme
poster:Emme
thread:290427
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/290427.html