Posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 19:41:53
In reply to Re: out of hope, posted by Karen_kay on December 12, 2003, at 16:42:29
I'm not really sure what to say but I am touched by the responses. Thank you. Posting here has made me feel a little less alone in this struggle.
I guess part of the hopelessness comes from feeling like I have been on every med there is (or so it seems - I know it isn't true) and have found little relief. It seems the best I have been was off meds, but that didn't last. I just don't know what kind of med combination is going to work for me and I fear the med trials again. I had a short one recently of monotherapy with Lamictal and it just heightened my anxiety to the point where I pulled myself off of it. I just don't have a lot of strength to go through all of this again when I thought I had finally climbed out of the hole. I have been in therapy on and off my entire life practically to no avail. I knew things were slipping back in early September and tried to get myself into a therapist and a pdoc fast but of course with HMOs it was just impossible to pull myself out in time before the destruction was complete. I just crashed so hard and so fast. I just don't know what is going to help me anymore when I feel like I have run the therapy and meds route until I have run out of road.
I have also had added stress of my father having a heart attack, my brother getting divorced and now the stress of having to get stuff out of my apartment and moved back home. I have been here so many times over the years with crashing and having to move back home. It is just such a disappointment. I keep trying to see it as a setback and not a failure but it just feels like such a failure. I had so much hope for a new life free of this demon. It just didn't happen and then I question so much what I could have done differently to avert this "setback".
I know I have to get myself into the psychiatrist and give the meds another trial. I am just really scared of it. I was on Effexor and it made me suicidal to the point where I actually made an attempt. I am scared the meds will do that again to me. Luckily, there is a good mental health center near me that has groups like DBT, etc and I know I have to find the strength to make the appointment and get in there and get help. It is just so hard when I am so overwhelmingly tired. Leaving the house is such a chore and I have barely been out in the past few weeks. It is even harder when I am not sure they can help me anymore and that makes it harder to summon up the strength and hope needed to get there and get started.
I am just not even sure what is wrong with me. So many dxs have been thrown at me over the years and I am not sure what one sticks except the initial one when I was 11 which was panic disorder. I was a classic case back then. Now I feel like I am so screwed up that I have no idea how I, or anyone else, will untangle this mess. I can see the BP II dx, especially during this episode. I fear that the doctors are just going to wash their hands of me and say I am Borderline and don't want to get better, am just a malingerer, etc.
Ugh, I am just so scared and feel so defeated that it is hard to have hope. I know it has to come from within me but I just don't know where to find it this time! I know I need to be more optimistic but it is so hard when all the failures in the past have piled up so high that I can't see around them.
With the hope for accomplishing the goals I once had seemingly gone I just don't know what I am fighting for anymore and that dampens initiative a great deal.
poster:lepus
thread:289188
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289242.html