Posted by Penny on December 11, 2003, at 8:04:38
In reply to Not that I wasn't expecting it, but..., posted by Penny on December 10, 2003, at 13:57:37
Well, I babysat last night, which took my mind off of things, but afterwards I was still feeling pretty low. I didn't get home until almost 11:30, and I didn't expect that my pdoc would be asleep (I don't think he sleeps much!), but I expected he might be home, or on the way home from Charlotte. I paged him twice, but his pager sounded funny (no message, which is unusual), so then I was afraid that maybe it wasn't working properly, or maybe the number had changed and I didn't know it, so I called his Charlotte office (it was now almost midnight), and, lo and behold, he answered the phone. I said, "I didn't really expect that you'd be there..." and he was like, "oh, yeah." Anyway, he called me back as he was on another line when he answered, and I ended up crying on the phone with him for half an hour. I told him that I don't know what I expected him to do, but that I had told you guys that I would call him, so I was, and he said that was good. And it's strange, but I think he's better with helping me with the regular day-to-day stuff than my therapist. He's very practical, honest, and supportive. I was hysterical, crying and really upset, and he talked me through it.
Still, when I got off the phone, I went through another crying spell and then finally went to sleep. And this morning I'm at work, but I don't know what's going to happen when my boss gets here - will I lose my job? I don't know. I would hope that I would get an official 'warning' before it came to that, but N.C. is a 'right-to-work' state, which means, so I've been told, that they can fire you with no notice. I don't know. I still am feeling like I wish I was dead. Like I don't want to do any of this anymore. I told my pdoc that, and he tried to joke with me a bit, and ended up making me laugh when he said something about how I need to be there for "smidgen and precious" (referring to my dogs, whose names are NOT smidgen and precious).
I just hope that when my boss approaches, as I fully expect him to, I don't end up in tears. My pdoc said, "If you do, you do." and I replied, "Yeah, but that's gotten me in trouble in the past with my bosses, and I don't need that...but I can't help it."
I feel nauseated and nervous. I wish I could disappear. Told my doc that I didn't think I could face work today, and he said, "What would that accomplish?" I feel ashamed, like a failure, like a bad person. My doc said, "There's more to life than work." and I told him that perhaps so, but work and finances were first and foremost in my mind right now, and I'm not dealing well with either.
So, I still don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't talked to my grandmother in two days, as I don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not doing well. Actually, I just don't want her to start hounding me about it. I see my therapist this evening. Hopefully she will be helpful.
I guess I should get some work done. I have a newsletter to finish, even though I've already screwed up royally.
I really really wish I understood why I put myself in these predicaments. I feel miserable...do I enjoy making myself miserable? Do I want to lose my job? Am I trying to prove to myself that I AM, indeed, a failure? I don't know. Maybe all of the above.
I don't like myself very much today. :-(
P
poster:Penny
thread:288437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/288706.html