Posted by Susan J on September 29, 2003, at 9:54:32
In reply to Re: The Human Loss :-( » Susan J, posted by fallsfall on September 29, 2003, at 9:09:05
> It took a couple of months for me to go to therapy. First, I had been going to see my GP for maybe 6 months for back pain. Finally, he said to me that we could do one more set of tests, but if they came back negative that we would need to talk about depression. Talk about panic!!!!! I cancelled a followup appointment.
<<OK, I have never really been scared of my depression or acknowledging that I've got it. Could you explain this feeling to me a little better? I think that may be one of K's issues. She apparently is Miss independent superwoman, and being depressed would mean she's weak (in her mind only, of course). Is that kind of what you felt? Or something different?>>A couple of months later my best friend confronted me about my unreasonable behavior. I would have trusted her with my life, so I had to listen. I put two and two together and made an appointment.
<<I've thought of going to her best friend and asking her to bring depression up with K, in a nonjudgmental way of course. I just don't know how to do it and whether it would be a really bad move, or a really good one. ?
> My biggest issue was that I was scared of what it would mean to be depressed. My logical mind said that if I ignored it, it wouldn't be true 8^).
<<Could you explain that to me a little more? Was it that being depressed meant no way out of the misery? Or that you were weak? Or that you had no control over yourself? To me, realizing I was depressed made me go to therapy to fix it. I thought that I could beat it easily with some help. Now, it's been a lot harder than I had thought, but I'd be dead if I hadn't gone to the therapist, I just know it.
> Do you have a good relationship with her? Could you leverage your experience with depression to get through to her? Would she take an online depression test - just to see? Denial is so big with depression, if you can get more than one person from different perspectives to talk to her around the same time she might get the idea.
<<Thank you, I really need help in this. I think I've got a good relationship with her. We went to Weight Watchers last year and I told her about my break up with my ex, my depression, my struggle with my family and weight, how I don't love my parents and probably never will, that type of thing. She seemed very open and supportive and shared some stuff with me, too.But one of the major problems she has with my brother is that he's very controlling. I don't think so, but he can be demanding, and who really knows what goes on in a marriage. He is getting therapy now to see if his behavior is messed up, as well as how to deal with the marriage falling apart. But my brother doesn't think we should talk to K's friends or family (her family thinks everything is wonderful!) because K might see that as him being controlling. So I don't know what to do.
I do agree with you that if several people said something to you, it makes you really take notice. But I don't know if K would see me as a separate person from my brother, you know? I just don't know....
I wanted to write her a little letter and tell her how much I admire her, how strong I think she is, but that she's really not the same old K anymore, and since I've battled depression, I think that's what she's got. I want to tell her it's OK, it's normal, it doesn't mean she's weak, and that talking to someone and getting some medical tests done would help her win the battle. I showed my *draft* letter to a friend and he said that K would get defensive over it. He might be right. Her self esteem is in the toilet right now, none of her friends are telling her what she wants to hear, she's getting in arguments at work, and now she's spending money like crazy.
I know I don't have all the answers, if I even have any. I'm going to see my therapist today and I'll ask her for some help, too. But K is obviously not reacting to depression the way I did, so I don't know what to do. I don't even feel competent to say she's depressed! Just something's wrong. Her behavior is wacked out. And my brother is *not* perfect, by no means, but he's pretty darned good, and I can't see there being anything there worse than everyday stresses of marriage.
This is driving me nuts. It feels so preventable, or fixable, but there's nothing I can do. Both my brother and I try to fix things, solve problems, and that might be bugging K, which is another reason I hesitate to talk to her.
Arrrrgh!
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:261015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/264201.html