Posted by jay on September 12, 2003, at 0:30:56
..Or leave your bed?
That sums it up so well for me...I have gone into 'hibernation' (ya..a 10 year hibernation!)...and I know much of it has to do with my horrid level of self confidence, and a rather bleak view of people and the world. I am very nihilistic, in that I have a dark view of the way people treat each other, their kids (d*** lucky they have a child..sorry...but I, uh, have some issues with that..). Everything is about selfish materialism, and there is this streak of anti-intellectualism, like people can't see outside of their own little worlds and neighborhoods. But..I can guarantee there are others like me on here, obviously. We've switched around a few meds to strike that 'balance' between all of the anxiety and depression. I do know the only way I can continue to fight social injustice is to getting myself feeling better. I left the house today for the first time in a week and a half...and of course it was to go to the doctor..heh. Never mind a career, dating, socializing...but ya I do gotta mind it, get myself back into the land of the living...and the land of the loving. "When??? Soon..!!...When is soon?"..heh. So, I bury myself in books and music, the only expressions that give me artistic happiness. Since I read the paper(s) each day, I have no use for a television, as most of what is on it is s***. (IMHO). I've got the band 'Coldplay's song 'The Scientist' playing, and man, deep, dark...and sad. My sweet aunt died yesterday of pneumonia...but she had terrible Alzheimer's disease, and was so lost and painfully confused, that I know she is now at peace. My poor father...that was his sister who died..and he has also been deeply depressed, and confided in me today that he seriously wanted to end his life in the past few weeks. So, I gotta be there for him...and he knows we need each other deeply, and I think that has been what has stopped either of us from ending it all. He really is my best friend. As dark as everything seems, that is truly a candle in the darkest hour.
Well..I'll shut up now...
Peace, always and forever,
Jay
poster:jay
thread:259282
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/259282.html