Posted by psyched-out on September 11, 2003, at 21:51:16
Once again I find myself in the minute percentages of the mentally ill. For 15 years I have been battling anxiety and panic disorders. Sometimes great for a few years at a time. Sometimes I just kneel down at the end of the Ativan manufacturing line with my mouth open and catch them as they come off the conveyor belt. I am Bipolar and have been wildly up and down and very stable for long periods of time during these years. I completed college, had a live-in relationship for several years, I thought I would never have another swing. Not really but times were good. Then bam! Crash big time. This is the "I can not remember my own name" type of depression. That hung on for 18 months or so. A year of it I could live on my own. The other required supervision. But depressions like that makes me socially phobic and it is hard for me to even get back into a swing with good friends. Anxiety comes with it...whenever it wants. As long as I was working on a chemical imbalance I never really focussed on my behaviors just symptoms. Because of social phobia I was not that social. I did not worry because when that lifted all would be back to normal. All of this time that I called "recovery"...laying low and removing myself from a bigger social scene(not my close friends)I was really just building my walls higher and higher for what I now know is a huge problem.
Here is the evolution of my anxiety...I have gone from having a panic attack in a crowd to having a panic attack THINKING about a situation that might lead to sex. So we are talking flirting, dating, seeing an attractive person that wants to talk, so on and so on. And on top of that I am ashamed and disgusted by the act. I USED TO DO IT LIKE A BUNNY!!!!! It has been years since I last had sex.
I have a great doctor but I could not go through the pain to mention that I was having this difficulty. I really just figured it out for myself. Sexual Aversion Disorder. One study shows that 50% of women with panic disorders and 35% of men with pd develop this. This seems high but for the genral population it is a small percentage. Anyway I made an appt. to talk about this inparticular this coming week. I am not looking forward to the homework that I am going to have to do. I really feel that this will be more painful than any depression I have endured.
How I went from having a panic attack in a restaurant ten years ago because I suddenly felt like everyone was watching me to not being able to look a person in the eye for fear of a "potential partner connection" I have no idea.
Anyone have any thoughts or experience in the matter?
poster:psyched-out
thread:259240
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/259240.html