Posted by jay on September 10, 2003, at 18:33:04
In reply to Feelings:'(, posted by galkeepinon on September 10, 2003, at 0:09:20
> Just thought I would reach out here. I'm feeling really down tonight but I don't know if I should go into detail online. I'm frustrated about a lot of things right now and wonder if it will get better for me. Please don't think I'm being self-centered, I don't mean to be. A friend once told me I was the most self-centered person she ever met. I have never been told that in my life. Maybe I am. She later apologized, felt bad, and said to never think I was and to get it out of my head that what she said hurt me, but why would she say it if it wasn't true? We're not friends anymore but that's why I say please don't think I'm being self-centered here, I really don't mean to be. My doctor just increased my Lamictal to 50mg, I'm still on the Lex, but it goes deeper than the meds. I am hurting inside and no matter how much I try to think I'm not or that everything is ok, the fact of the matter is that I don't know what to do to feel better. I just don't know what to do. I have a huge hole and I don't know how to fill it. I smoke, I eat ice cream, I'm gaining weight again. I just sent an email out and I was crying as I wrote it because I was talking about "things". I don't know whether to just go with the flow, I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself, I don't know if I'm taking things too seriously or what, but I hurt, I'm crying, I hurt. I just don't get it. I don't want to be on a pity-pot, there's so many things burdening my heart right now that I want to go away and I don't know how!
> I just don't know how!
>
>Hi galkeepinon:
I think most of us with mental health problems get accused once-in-awhile of being 'self-centered', which is not a very fair or true picture. If somebody who broke their back and was in traction for long periods of time be called 'selfish' because they couldn't do many of the things expected of us? Well..this is a different type of 'breaking'...'soul-breaking' I call it..heh. At times I am amazed at how well some of the folks on the board get along in life...for a 'big' event of the week for me is being able to drive to a public place. I spend my days and nights usually holed up in my room, trying to use reading, or music, to give me that little extra 'sprint'. I have pretty much lost everything..(more on that below..), and I think that is the case with many of us...losing relationships, jobs, financial freedom, etc.
I hope your doctor is aggressively treating your condition, and sometimes you gotta be pushy with them too. In the 'grieving' process, I've had to go through pretty much the same as what my illness has brought onto me. (I've had a..umm...pretty rough few years..I guess you could say.... with the death of my only child and girlfriend within a span of a year. But, that meshes in deeply with my depression and anxiety problems.) So...as I was saying, in grief you have to re-examine all of your relationships, which ones you want to continue on with..and which ones maybe even can't continue on with. This also applies to depression and anxiety disorders, and I view it as a 'rebuilding' from the ground up, for me as a person. You and the rest of us likely have to do the same.
As a person who broke their back has to go through 'therapy'...we also do too, and like the grieving process, sometimes it's one step forward...two back...and once in awhile, the other way around. But, as always, take 'baby steps'..and you will eventually surprise yourself.
Yes, even when we have those 'two-step back' days.I've even given a name to those days that I even find some kind of peace, or happiness, and call them 'little victories'. Reward, pamper, indulge, and treat yourself. I turn them into a bit of a celebration. One thing I do is dish out all of the love, hugs, kisses I can to the ones I love, and even try to be extra-nice to everyone I see. Maybe the next day you won't even be able to get out of bed, but you will have that 'little victory' of a memory..sprinkled with love and kindness.
Best wishes and hopes to you...
Jay
poster:jay
thread:258620
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/258876.html