Posted by kara lynne on August 24, 2003, at 13:47:10
Every single morning, I can't stand it anymore. The last couple of mornings were really hard. I have disturbed dreams all night long, and wake up with the thought that I want to die. I am not saying I am thinking about suicide; I know that sounds odd---but it's almost like the thought, the words, are automatic. I wake up alarmed that I have been feeling this bad for this long and that I am alone in my life at this age, with no family of my own. The loneliness is really getting to me, and feeling like I will be alone forever. I wake up in this primal panic, the residual torment of whatever conflict I've visited in my dreams still upon me. My body hurts, my mind is imprisoned, my heart is broken, I am alone, I want to die.
I know some of it is med (or lack therof) related. Every time I try an ssri I get these nightmares. I never used to, it's a brand new charming side effect. I haven't taken much of anything in the last couple of days but I guess it's coming out of my system. I can't get in to see my doctor for a couple of weeks, and even then, there is really nothing left to try until some new things come out on the market. We've been going at this over 10 years now, I don't say that frivolously or self-pityingly. There is really nothing left.
I don't know why it's so bad in the morning; I feel like my psyche is torturing me.
poster:kara lynne
thread:253601
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030818/msgs/253601.html