Posted by Penny on August 6, 2003, at 8:04:27
In reply to Re: Freaking out » Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 5, 2003, at 22:54:50
Well, my therapist didn't have any tricks up her sleeve, but is lowering her fees for me as I told her I have to cut back on therapy because I can't afford it anymore. She said she wasn't comfortable treating me only once (or less) a week, so she's working with me. I still don't know how I'm going to afford even the reduced rate.
Amazing what money and job problems can do to you. For me, it sends me spiraling quickly into the Pit. Deeper and deeper.
By the time I got home last night my head was hurting again and I was nauseated again and I was extremely shaky. I had taken my car to Walmart for an oil change and was walking around the store while I waited and just got so dizzy I had to sit down. Very anxious and dizzy. And it reminded me that I was this way last summer...even down to the anxiety...
I told my therapist that I didn't understand why it would be such a bad thing if I killed myself. I don't want to go back to the hospital, because while it does keep me from committing suicide, it doesn't really help matters. They said it would give me a new perspective - but all I think it did was shield me from reality for a while. Then I came home and all my financial problems were still there, but even more so now because of my hospitalization, and my job problems still exist but now I'm even more behind in my duties, and everyone's handling me with kid gloves as though I might break and I don't feel any more capable of handling my problems than I did before I went to the hospital. Perhaps even less so.
Went to bed fairly early last night but couldn't go to sleep even with taking something to help me sleep. Overslept this morning and was about 20 minutes late for work, but now I'm really really sleepy and I can't take a nap because my office is on the first floor and my boss could walk in at any moment and my door has a window in it...
My therapist said that killing myself wouldn't make things better in any way. I told her that my being here doesn't make things better in any way either. I'm tired, really and truly tired, of living for other people. I know I've said this before. I know I shouldn't live for other people, but sometimes others are the only things that keep me going. But I don't see why my living is such a good thing. Why do we as humans have such a problem with ending our lives? I understand with murder because we each have a right to live, IMO, that shouldn't be taken away by someone else (I won't even go into more detail with that), but why don't we have a right to die if and when we want to? Why is it such a bad thing???
My therapist says this is just the depression talking. But, you know, I've pondered this question for a long time, since my days as a philosophy student in college. I think my therapist believes in the intrinsic value of humanity. And I suppose if I believed in that as well, I would have to concede that any time you take away something of value it is a bad thing. Therefore, if someone is human and therefore has intrinsic value, and then they take their own life, which had value, then that is a bad thing because the thing which had value no longer exists.
And I am human - so do I have intrinsic value??? I do believe others do, so it logically follows that I do too. But I'm having a hard time believing it.
Why do we always single ourselves out as being different from others? Why can we see the good in others but not in ourselves???
If I could answer that question, I might be rich.
I can't answer that question. Not right now. I feel worthless and hopeless. Yet I would tell each and every one of you, and really mean it, that you are valuable human beings, full of love and hope and helping and concern for others. Just can't believe it about myself.
I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could throw myself into my work so I didn't have to think about all of it, but I can't. I have no energy. Maybe I need some more time off...
sorry for rambling
P
poster:Penny
thread:248297
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030727/msgs/248537.html