Posted by jay on August 5, 2003, at 2:37:38
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by lostsailor on August 4, 2003, at 13:03:34
> I , too, when young and would love to have had >a school authority recommend to my parents that I >need an evaluation of sorts.
I talk a bit more about this below, but I have been reading other tales of people who have lived (and died) though the unthinkable; like the Holocaust; Work Camps in former Russia; lives of people in Third World countries.
You know, this was the oddest thing, that when I was in grade school, esp. Grades 1-3, back then in '74-'75, there was very basic remedial help. I actually was diagnosed with a developmental handicap (aka 'retarded'), and was held back twice in Grade 1. (I couldn't spell, speak, and even write properly.) They where even going to send me to a 'special school', where I would have likely fizzled out in a life of boredom and uselessness. I was lucky to have wonderful parents who worked with me every night, 365 days a year, and started to function a bit better. Then they tried to push me ahead to Grade 3, and on my first day, I ran home during recess. Then I went to a Speech pathologist, worked with 5-6 different psychologists for us 'retarded' kids...was told I may have to go live in a 'special' home..(which my parents absolutely refused to let happen..thank GAWD!) and got to a basic level of functioning. But, even beyond that, I didn't do well in Grade school, and flunked out of college the first time I tried it. The second time, I majored in something I was passionate about, which was political science. Into my early twenties then, I did excellent. Now, I have started again slowly by taking a single university course, and was ecstatic as I got 86 % on my first of four quizzes in the course. But, that insecurity is deeply rooted, and I sure as h*ll was in no way 'prepared' (who is??) for what later would be dealt to me.
That brings me to today, and even after losing what to most people is the unthinkable, I am alive and quite shocked by that fact. This reminds me of a quote a friend sent me..."The only reason I am alive is because I could not die." 12-13 years of psychiatric pharmacology, and about 6 or so years after losing what nobody should ever have to go through. I was reading of Primo Levi lately, and he suffered such a deep depression after surviving the Holocaust, and ended up killing himself. It's these times, many years after my first waking nightmare, that I actually fear ending my life the most. Not that I am *more* suicidal, but physically am doing a bit more, and getting back into the "land of the living", and I sometimes have a hard time trusting myself. I still feel a bit 'greedy' for being alive, and many times that turns to anger towards others, especially when I see happy families and such. It's beyond jealousy, but a felling I've been "slighted"...and then turns to some self-pity and such, which I am getting better at taming. Still, I carry around too much anger, and I verbally take it out sometimes on the ones who love me. Then I feel major, major guilt.
One last little 'tale' is something a good friend pointed out to. There exists certain plants and trees that actually have to be "burnt" (set on fire) in order for them to survive. (Most in the deserts and in Africa..). There is something important in that, and I try very hard to put Nietzsche's "What can't kill you will only make you stronger." philosophy into place. Many of us on here seem to be able to relate to the first part I mentioned, and maybe it's an analogy that can help us. I am still searching for Truth, Peace, and Beauty, and maybe someday.....maybe.
Jay
poster:jay
thread:247974
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030727/msgs/248191.html