Posted by Penny on July 22, 2003, at 10:27:51
As my parents would say, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Saturday was horrible, and I've tried to avoid posting for a while because I hate only being negative when I'm on the board.
I saw my pdoc on Friday night and he increased my lamictal, so it's only been a few days, but my mood is all over the place. I spent most of Saturday in bed crying, and finally just took some Geodon and went to sleep. I probably should have paged my pdoc, but I hate disturbing him. I figured he would have just told me to take a Geodon anyway. He told me Friday night to use them as necessary.
Sunday was a bit better and yesterday was okay, but today I've already been crying at my desk (thank goodness my office hasn't been moved yet) and I have a splitting headache but can't even take a nap because it hurts more when I lay my head down. I'm not getting anything done and I need to go to lunch soon but I'm feeling a bit sick, so not sure that is a good idea. Am supposed to donate blood today, but at the moment, I'm not sure I'm feeling up to it. I'm also going to volunteer this evening at the blood drive here on campus, but if my head doesn't stop hurting, I'm not sure what I'll do.
Regardless, I really am feeling down. On Saturday the thought occured to me that one reason I'm still here is because of people (my family and friends) telling me that suicide is selfish and they don't want me to do something stupid, etc. etc. So, I feel guilty for even thinking about suicide, especially with my grandfather's death, but then I started thinking about how responsible I feel for everyone in my life and how I'm just plain tired of it. I really really am. I just don't know how much more I can handle. Life goes on around me and I sit here in misery because I don't want to be selfish. I'm tired of it!!! For once I would like to make a decision without thinking about how it will affect other people. Yes, that's selfish, and I suppose any life altering decision I make will affect others, but I just feel this burden on my shoulders that is getting to be too much to bear.
I told my therapist this yesterday and she said two things: that whatever keeps me here is a good thing, but that I shouldn't feel that responsibility for others' happiness because if I were gone, they would pick up the pieces and carry on. I don't think she intended at all for me to take that as I have, and I need to talk to her about it. I do worry that if I did take my life, it would kill my grandmother, but as for everyone else, she's right, they would pick up the pieces and carry on. I don't want to cause anyone pain, but I just don't know how much longer I can tolerate this illness. I feel so completely and utterly hopeless. Everyone keeps trying to remind me that "this is only temporary" and "there will be better treatments in the future" but my brain refuses to comprehend. I can't help but think that this will just rear it's ugly head again and again and again, and, as I told my old therapist, eventually I will hit absolute rock bottom in the Pit and see no other way out.
I really don't want to die...I just don't want to hurt anymore. Especially when I can't really figure out why I hurt so much.
I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.
And I'm afraid that if things don't change soon, it will do me in.
Wish I had a Geodon. At least then I could sleep.
P
poster:Penny
thread:244225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244225.html