Posted by mmcasey on June 16, 2003, at 14:06:33
Why do I perpetually feel like I want to escape my life? I have been in a lot of different places and situations with a lot of different people over the past 6 years, since starting college. And before I entered into most of these different situations, I always had this hope that it would be the chance for a fresh start, a chance for things to really change, a chance for me to find myself/my place. But somehow, that never happens and I end up disappointed and wanting to escape. And now, here I am in this relatively new place, starting off my new post-college "real adult" existence, and I already feel at times like I want to escape. I am probably going "home" (to where I grew up) in a few weeks, and I can hardly wait because I feel like I really need a break from being here, working, my life in general. Even though I've only been here for 8.5 months and during that time I've already gone home twice (2 weeks for Christmas and 3 days for my sister's graduation). I find the idea of staying in the same place for more than a year or two at once rather daunting, maybe because it just hasn't been that way for me since high school. But I could end up living in this area for 4 years if I do end up going to grad school here, which is the goal. Or even longer. It isn't that I don't like it here - I'm just afraid of getting sick/bored of it, which is a stupid thing to worry about, because who knows what will happen and how I might feel?
Anyways. I was feeling pretty good for the past week, I think at least in part due to Lamictal starting to work. Also, things were kind of going well last week - I took my GRE and did pretty well, I found 2 roomates to move in when my other roomates move out. These things were big stressors on me over the past month or so. So it's a relief to have them taken care of.
But now there are new issues with roomates moving in/out. And one thing happened today that upset me and has basically sparked all of this off. I don't even really want to get into it, and honestly it is NOT that big of a deal and I know that, but still it has managed to upset me, and set off sort of a cognitive downward spiral of thoughts.
I've recently decided that I have a sort of mild social phobia. Not even PHOBIA exactly, but more of a social uneasiness that doesn't make me freak out or anything (with the exception of speaking in front of people), but definitely affects the quality of my life.
I keep trying to think of these positives that can give me hope - such as, I am young and it's good that I am already trying to get things (ie, my mental health) worked out through therapy and medication. I'm lucky to have realized at an early-ish age that I need help. So, I think, maybe by the time I'm 30, I can be more happy and content with my life and not have so many issues. But then I think, that's 6 years away, which seems like plenty of time... but has anything really changed in the past 6 years? A little bit, sure I've grown and realized some things and matured... but is anything really different?
I don't know. I need to just get over this little incident from today. But I feel like, I don't want to go home (because I want to avoid my roomate), I don't want to be at work, I don't want to go anywhere else. So where do I go? What do I do?
Just some things on my mind....
poster:mmcasey
thread:234360
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/234360.html