Posted by kara lynne on June 13, 2003, at 13:48:36
Things like this: I'm sitting at my desk at work; (granted it's a sort of do-it-yourself appt. book and people write themselves in--but usually when no-one else is there). But I'm right there at the desk and people walk behind and right in front of me as if I didn't exist and start writing themselves in.
I'm sitting in a room having a discussion with someone, waiting for a class to start. Another woman is outside getting water. She sweeps in dramatically, and mid-sentence (mine) she walks up to the woman I'm talking to and takes her in her arms for a big hello hug. I know it's lovey dovey, but we were right in the middle of a conversation, and the hug was an extended, "I missed you so much and really want to show how much I'm hugging you", hug. They had already seen each other, but hug woman had completed her task and was now free to butt her way completely into the space of our conversation.
Another woman where I work obviously doesn't like me, and thinks she is far superior to me, although she is swimming in false humility. I'd rather she walk up to me and say, "You know you're really a dark, depressed loathsome person-- I'm much lighter and eat much better than you, and also teach yoga, you lowly crumb." But instead she greets me with this syrup dripping out of her ears, and I look like the little cringing crumb I am in response to it. Not only that, she has begun the incredibly annoying habit of HUMMING HUMMING HUMMING. Humming so loudly, it just controls the entire environment: I will walk into the room and take it over with my cheery humming, because anyone who wouldn't like that must surely be a bad person. I will hum over your darkness. Humming has never made me more homicidal.
I could go on, but I'll spare you. I'm left with this really uncomfortable rage. I feel like I'm just someone that can be stepped on, stepped over and hummed out. I know I need someone else I can talk to. I told my "counselor" (who also happens to be my employer) yesterday about the boundary invasion feeling and she just said people are oblivious and don't mean anything by it. She said just turn the appt. book around. I said, It pisses me off, though. She said, Oh, I'm sorry.
So of course I'm more enraged. I feel like everywhere I go people are pulling little power trips all disguised in politeness. Last week a guy was leaving the place I work after having been there 8 years. We had a cake for him. I asked my boss on the way in if we had to sing (it was just 3 of us), because we usually have to punctuate everything with some ridiculous song. She said no, there was nothing to sing. So we walk in the room and yogini woman looks at my boss and says, "Shall we do one round of He's a Jolly Good Fellow?" And they break maniacally into song, and I'm just sitting there, so conspicuously horribly, not singing anything, painfully smiling on the couch. We have five minutes of hysterical partying (replete with vegan cake) and then go back to our solo places at work. We have to celebrate everything there with these ridiculous songs and cakes-- and the guy that was leaving was so strange and uncomfortable to be around. But no matter--let's all SING!! And now let's all RUSH BACK to work. It's really weird.
Oh. I don't know what I'm asking for again. I just needed a place where I could be real for a minute. Thank you.
poster:kara lynne
thread:233709
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/233709.html