Posted by Tijgertje on June 7, 2003, at 8:27:58
Well first time posting here, after an extensive search on the internet for websites to go to in my own country.
Before I begin I must add that my native language is not English, so forgive me if I have a spelling or grammar error here and there.
Like the title of this post says a committment problem, what is the situation.
My girlfriend and myself have lived together for almost 10 years. We are about 30 years old now and have broken up once already and a week ago for the second time.
When we met 10 years ago we were both young, liked eachother , started living together with no money and crappy jobs. The cliche like usual beginning I guess. We both got other jobs and I was working very hard to make some material gains..for which I thought the both of us back then. I worked as much as I could - a very demanding salesjob- and was often working in the weekends too.And then there was a day when we had nothing to say to eachother anymore. We were never that intimate in talking or cuddling , the sex was more then great but not the intimacy surrounding that ( this is wisdom afterwards like we say here, back then I did not see that. So the lack of intimate moments went by me untill it was too late. I had met someone else and decided to tell her that before anything happened between the new girl and myself. She businesslike told me she had slept around 3 times already and that she was not wearing her ring for weeks. Again something that I did not notice.
So we broke up, I started a life with the person I met. The fact was however that my ex g/f never left my mind completly. Both she and myself are very sexual driven and my new g/f saw sex more as a thing that floats with the rest so to say.
I started to meet my ex g/f again at my new place and soon I broke up with the new g/f and we started dating again. Not long afterwards I moved back into her neighbourhood and we saw eachother a couple of times a week. In the beginning just for good dates and splendid sex afterwards but I became more and more committed to her again.
Before we split the first time she was the one committed to things like a house, kids and a future but I could not take the step towards that point. Not enough money was my main argument..which was in the beginning true. later on I made plenty to support both her and in the future a child. Truth is I somehow never trusted her completely. I think relationships that evolve into marriage have to be founded on strict trust.
So I missed out on her try to get long term committment.
But like I said, when we got back together again I really grew into it and I wanted that commitment and that intimacy. The casual sex became far less important to me. The second try lasted 8 months. Last friday she told me she had met another guy, 10 years older then her and she felt a spark inside her for him.
The ground fell away beneath my feet when I heared that. I tried so hard to be the responsible long term guy and now she left me for a ..well a spark.
A week has passed now and a few things have happened. I have a friend , also and American that had a relational counseling practice before retiring. I told him the story with all the itty gritty and he told me that was the " dance away lover" problem. Frankly meaning that she and myself will be never on the same page committment wise. We seem to have this problem both.
I talked to my ex..the first times it went very bad. My first reaction that saturday was to try to win her back..pushing her into some quality time away from the mess of things, stuff like that. After talking to others and thinking I left that idea quickly.
Yesterday I had to pick up my stuff with her, first time seeing her after the break up. It was hard, giving back the key and seeing all my stuff in boxes. But she told me she had also missed the fun outside the relationship..partying and stuff like that. Meeting other people. She sounded like a 30 year old adolescent.
So I guess the 40 year old guy in the middle of a divorce with 2 kids was not the only reason for leaving me but more of a trigger or a fuse.
Well it is now saturday, I am single and I hate it. I would really like to try to get her back in any way possible. My relationship councelling friend has made the assumption she will return some day, or try to return and asked me wheter I was able to handle that.
Well I really would like to patch things up...again.. but there are so many problems underneath this all both with her and myself that I dont know how to proceed now.
I am not really waiting on the "go find someone else" thing. I am here to understand her and my actions and I really hope I will get some good responses.
Thanks for your attention.
poster:Tijgertje
thread:232130
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/232130.html