Posted by Devilot on May 28, 2003, at 21:21:35
In reply to Re: Cutting, looking for answers.... « McPac, posted by audrey on May 22, 2003, at 10:56:45
Cutting...I've done it. Very recently in fact I was hospitalized for a few days because I cut my legs and wrist a total of about 23 times. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel something other than the numbness that my life had come to be. Five years ago, I found out that I was into being beaten sort of. It turned into S&M, and though I didn't know why, I knew I loved it. I began to explore the reasoning behind this pleasure in pain that I never knew or sought out before. I came across a possible answer in my childhood. I was raised by a single mom that didn't believe in hitting her children, and our punishments were very mild. Not having a male role model, or anyone to keep me in line besides myself, I put a certain amount of pressure on myself to do the right thing for my hard working mom. This pressure, eventually, would give way to me NEEDING some other form of discipline. I couldn't keep myself together and 'normal' anymore by myself. A girlfriend at the time asked me if she could whip me a little. I thought, sure, I'm open minded, I'll try it once. I fell in love. Anyway, after we broke up, I still craved this type of 'attention' and not having the luck of getting it with other girlfriends, I focused on doing it to myself in other ways. Cutting was easiest. It became like masturbation for me. I was hiding it. Doing it in the shower. Doing it to feel release from life. I stopped after a bad cut. Real deep on my arm. 7 staples deep. Then about a month ago, after my 28th birthday, I did it again and ended up in the hospital.
The point is, although you're not alone in hurting yourself, you're also not alone in not having an answer as to why we do it.
Wish I knew so I could make all of us better.
poster:Devilot
thread:228095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/229828.html