Posted by noa on May 18, 2003, at 15:11:06
Although I've generally been doing well (I must begin this post with this statement, to try to remind myself), I still have these episodes of weekend depression. Not always. But the past two have been completely reclusive.
This weekend actually started on Friday. I called in sick. It's been rainy and very dark and gloomy and I don't know if that has something to do with it or not. I do have SAD and I know light affects me a lot, but can I say that there is such an immediate effect on my mood? I don't know.
But what happens is I get lazy and reclusive and hole up at home and neglect everything. I dull my self with boredom, I guess. I lose all motivation for most things.
This weekend, I've been sleeping a LOT. While I was sleeping, I even dreamt that I had some sort of sleeping sickness, and kept apologizing to people in my dreams for being asleep in action. I guess it was one of those times when dreaming and some semi-consciousness about being asleep intersect.
In another part of the dream, I wake up in the back seat of a car driven by someone who isn't supposed to be driving--some old woman relative of the people I am supposedly staying with. I have a little girl with me I guess I am supposed to be taking care of, although I guess I question my ability to do so since I am basically asleep on the job! Anyway, we--the little girl and I--wake up in this car, and discover it is moving, and driven by this demented old woman who isn't supposed to drive because she can't see well and has very poor judgment. We careen through intersections, etc., although I notice that she isn't running red lights or anything. then, she veers slightly off the road and runs over some small utility boxes or something, so I know we have "grounds" to not allow her to drive. We stop for gas, or drinks, or directions, or something, and while she is out of the car, I grab the keys so as not to let her drive. So, then, when I am relating the events to other people in the dream, I suddenly have the realization that the events didn't happen--I dreamt them! But I tell them as if they happened, leaving out the fact that I had dreamt them.
My interpretation of this is that the old woman, the little girl and me in the dream are all ME. I say this because I have had many dreams (though not in a long time that I remember) about driving. Especially dreams of driving or trying to drive from the back seat or with my eyes closed. It is the same semi-conscious awareness of being asleep. So, I think the metaphor is about not "being in the driver's seat", or "being asleep at the wheel", etc., of life. Of My life. So in this version--I am asleep when I should be caring for this child. I find my self in a moving car driven by an incompetent old woman who has lost her cognitive and physical capacity to "be in the driver's seat"--but she doesn't even know it. She is quite out of it, mentally. I am the only responsible adult and I am asleep on the job. Supposed to be caring for the little girl, but how can I be doing that properly if I'm asleep. I guess the redeeming thing is that I do scheme to and successfully manage to get the keys back from the old woman--ie, take charge in a crisis, and ensure all of our safety. This is the short period in the dream where I'm awake, and not falling asleep. In the rest of the dream (there is more but I'm not going to bore you with all the details) I am always falling asleep, literally falling to the floor, asleep, and apologizing to the other people for being asleep, saying I must have some sort of sleeping sickness. I guess the taking charge part of the dream reminds me of how well I do when I'm visiting my ailing parents--I become more take-charge, unlike in my own life.
In the dream, I am trying desperately not to be asleep all the time, so I make a pot of coffee, but not very successfully. (It's hard to do this when you keep falling to the floor, asleep!).
All week, I did not get enough sleep, so I guess I've been operating with a sleep deficit. But this seems excessive.
Get this--as I am writing this post, I am remembering another bizarre element of the dream: I am accompanying the people I am staying with on errands. One of the stores we go to is a huge box-like, chain store along the lines of Toys R Us or Walmart, etc. But it's called "I M Lesbian"! So, I realize, the people I'm staying with are a lesbian couple--the ones with the child I am babysitting. Anyway, one woman is with me, the other not, so for a moment, as we park the car to go into the store, I worry about whether people will assume I am "with" this woman, and this is our child. I decide who cares, and anyway, I am really curious to see what kind of merchandise this store for lesbians is selling. I guess it is a total marketing thing--everything the average lesbian in America wants and needs for their life and home (whatever that might be). But I never get to see it, as the dream shifts at that point.
So, after I am awake and remembering this dream, I of course ask myself, am I trying to tell myself through this dream that maybe I'm a lesbian? I reflect on this a few seconds, and decide, "nah". I have lots of insecurities but I think I've figured that aspect of my life out quite clearly (although in recent years it has been a rather "theoretical" aspect of my life!). But I am laughing because I think it would a feat of marketing genius to open this chain of stores!
Today, I am also out of adderall, and I have the scrip and can fill it, but it means getting dressed and going out to fill it. I need to. It is one thing being with out it on a lazy Sunday, but to try and function at work--I don't think so. But of course, I resist.
I feel lousy sitting here holed up in this apt. needing a shower and needing to get out of my funk. But lazy and bored and empty. And I know I am so self-absorbed like this, like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I know this is so bad for me, yet it is a pattern I repeat over and over again.
poster:noa
thread:227425
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/227425.html