Posted by misslalou on March 26, 2003, at 14:04:34
The last few weeks have been horrible for me. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this darkness that I am in this time. I spend my day and night searching deep inside myself struggling to find something to hold on to. I’ve always been able to find something before a part of me willing to go on, but this time I just can’t find it. It is like a war zone in my head. I hear all the words of my therapists. I hear all the skills they’ve taught me and I also hear the darkness pulling me farther away each day. I’ve only been giving into the word of the darkness these past weeks. I’ve been self-harming, drinking, barely eating only as a show for my kids and boyfriend. I do try to resist it call. I’ve slept what little sleep I get downstairs as to stay away from all my medication late at night to resist the impulses to take them all at once. I’ve managed not to drag my blade across my wrists but instead have chosen other places. Yet at the same time I still listen to the darkness and planned everything down to the letter. Knowing exactly what I need to do and even when to do it. Even at that I still continue to fight this darkness in my mind try to find a way to over power all it’s telling me. Yet I can only seem to find brief moments of peace from it. Just minutes not even hours in my day. I have only myself to blame for in my mind I have all the knowledge all the skills and words of my therapist in there. I am simply not being strong enough; I am being a baby about this all like I have my whole life. It is my own fault that I am not winning this war I just have to buckle down and be stronger no matter what life continues to through at me. It doesn’t matter how bad it is right now that is never an excuse for being a baby about things. I’m so confused and just want the darkness to stop talking to me. I want its words to go away as they frighten me so. What’s wrong with me why can’t I just be strong no matter what life throws my way. Is the darkness right I’m so confused and lost. I just want this all to end.
poster:misslalou
thread:213090
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030326/msgs/213090.html