Posted by BeardedLady on November 12, 2002, at 8:06:26
In reply to Feels like I'm in prison..., posted by Roman on November 11, 2002, at 21:44:04
Hi, Babe. Sorry I got you that PBC. But even by pastry, it's just not worth it. (Plus you'd probably just get really fat.)
I went through this with whatever happened to me four years ago to make my brain refuse to turn off at night. I would spend all day crying. It would be summer and gorgeous, and all the kids would be playing at the park, and I'd be in my boxer shorts and tank top crying.
I even thought about suicide for awhile. Figured I was hurting my baby by making her see me so miserable. But Jerry Springer saved my life.
Yep. I couldn't watch my favorite shows. I couldn't read. I couldn't do anything; I was a panic-stricken mess, a deer caught in the headlights. But at 4:00 every afternoon, I watched Springer. And one day it hit me.
"Look at you! You have all your teeth, and you're not sleeping with your brother!"
And then I started playing the game--the laughter is contagious game. I started smiling and pretending that I felt better, and I actually started feeling better. And then I started being able to sleep (my problem, not yours), and then I really did feel better.
Still, on days like today, I look back at these pictures of myself standing in the desert on the rim of a Utah canyon, and I wonder where I went. I was happy then. What the hell happened to me?
But doing that is futile. Because that picture isn't me, isn't you. It's another person without the rest of our experiences. It's like mourning the loss of a youthful complexion.
My current therapist told me I had to find the one thing, the one joy, something from my past that made me who I was and begin doing it again. So I did, and it worked. I got most of myself back.
In spite of the sometimes frequent, sometimes rare pity parties.
You have to know that joy is possible. In fact, I like that slogan. I think I'm going to design it on my Mac and iron it on a t-shirt.
Tell you what: I'll make you one. If you want it, send me your p.o. box and shirt size. Tell me your favorite color, and I'll print it in that ink.
You can find me at the underscore great underscore bearded underscore one underscore at yahoo dot com.
Thank you for your post. Trying to help has made me feel better, and I hope it has made you feel a little better too.
beardy
poster:BeardedLady
thread:32116
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021106/msgs/32123.html