Posted by wendy b. on September 22, 2002, at 22:05:57
In reply to Re: bipolar mom 2, posted by Spectrum on September 21, 2002, at 14:51:01
> Thank you for the website Wendy. I went to it and added it to my "favorites" list. I am specifically looking for information on how bipolar depression affects the children in the family and how best to deal with it so they are not overwhelmed, traumatized or get depressed themselves. thanks for any help
>Dear Spectrum,
I have very similar concerns. I think it depends on how "ill" you get, and how "far away" you might seem to go, so if you are in a total manic (nearing psychosis) state, and needing hospitalization for example, that's different from daily or weekly cycling. Just curious, but were you recently diagnosed? And is that why you're thinking about it now?
Also, another variable is support. If you have a spouse or significant other, another close adult/neighbor/family, someone else who can take the load off you, etc., that is such a help. I have no hub or sig other at the moment, but many good friends and close family, so that is truly a blessing.
Another thing is honesty - how crazy can mommy be if she is honest and open about being ill (or temporarily sick)? You know it's happening to you, you take accountability for it, it seems sane, or at least manageable. If you explain to your child (appropriate to his/her age level) what happens when you're sick, he can cope better. I've said to my little girl that sometimes mommy gets angry, and it gets hard for her to not yell, but that it's temporary, and if she's the target, I always make sure I apologize, take her in my lap, kiss her, and say it has nothing to do with her, and that I'm working on controlling it with the help of my therapist (who I used to call my "feelings-doctor" when talking to her).
A feelings-doctor for the child can also be quite helpful, to give them coping strategies or just express their feelings of anger or puzzlement or self-blame...
I remember throwing a copco (melamite) spoon across the kitchen when arguing with my daughter over piano lessons (of all things! takes so little to set me off sometimes). It's one of those unbreakable, melt-proof utensils, but it broke into several pieces, and made a BIG noise. She was in the living room, and it's open to the kitchen, but still separate, so she saw it happen. It wasn't directed at her, although it happened while we were fighting, and she ran sobbing into her bedroom and hid under the bedcovers... You can imagine the horror and the guilt I felt... But I did explain to her the trouble I had with anger management, that my whole family suffers from it, that my mother used to go through the kitchen, cupboard by cupboard, and open and then SLAM each one closed, all around the perimeter of the kitchen... Not to say: "It could be worse," but to say, this kind of thing runs in families, and that it can be contained, but it takes work and sometimes medicine... That kind of thing hasn't happened to me in a long time, but like I say, explaining and owning up to your own behavior and saying you are trying hard to change or get better goes a long way toward helping your child understand.
Of course, I'm not saying your experience is anything like mine, your illness probably takes on other forms, but this is just to let you know what I do...
As for inheritability, there are no guarantees, and however your child turns out (bipolar/depressed or not), you will love him just the same as you would however he/she was. And since you have experience coping with the illness, and can identify the signs of depression, you might catch it early, and get the child the help he needs, BEFORE it blows up into a problem with school, social life, etc.
I wish you the best of luck with this, and I'm sure you are a wonderful mother. And you are not alone... Thinking about it ahead of time, and being aware and alert -- because you genuinely care about the welfare of your child -- says a lot about you and your love for your child.
So take it easy on yourself - post more often if you like, there are many great parents on this board who think about these things a lot... And I'll try to find some more helpful sites and post them here (I worked Sat & Sun, so forgive my not posting them yet...)
best,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:30411
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020908/msgs/30473.html