Posted by Medusa on August 25, 2002, at 12:48:26
so yesterday I worked out for an hour and then was in the sauna, and it came up how I really haven't worked through something that happened over 12 years ago. One of my younger sisters was molested, and I've talked about this with various therapists, but they have no idea how to deal with me being so involved in this. I feel really guilty, both for not preventing it, and for contributing to the family situation that was conducive to the abuse. I really beat up on the person who did this, and I think he was taking out his anger on me, by choosing the sister who very much resembles me but was small and he could dominate. I regret not castrating him - and my father, who swept the issue under the rug and still blames me for not forgiving and thus "tearing the family apart" - right then. I'd feel a lot better now, and I was under 18 then and I doubt I'd have ended up in jail, and even if, I'd still feel more like I have a right to the air I breath today.
I don't feel like I deserve to have anything good in life, whether a job or relationship or material. I can't get therapists to accept that I can NOT accept that "it wasn't my fault" (hello, I know this intellectually) and that I'm NOT going to just get over it and move on.
Violence is not the answer (now) and ... but I'm being pretty violent to myself, no SI at this point but plenty of anxiety, which can be a form of violence against oneself, or correlate with it or something.
I don't know what kind of help to get, how to ask for it and insist on getting it, when I finally get back into therapy.
sorry I'm a real mess, and I hope I have followed the rules for posting
M
poster:Medusa
thread:29250
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29250.html