Posted by mair on June 10, 2002, at 12:25:36
In reply to Re: To share with all of you..., posted by Penny on June 10, 2002, at 7:43:48
Penny
I'm happy that your interview went well - when might you hear if you got the job? It's too bad about the post-interview crash.
Your post was so eerie because it was such a thorough description of what I go through - better than I can articulate myself. Sometimes (fortunately not all the time) I just can't seem to put suicide out of my mind. It's not something I desire, I don't delude myself into thinking that my family would be better off without me, any I know its something of a distortion, but it still can be unbelievably pervasive - so much so that suicide seems like a reasonable alternative to having to ruminate about it all the time.
I too have no explanation for why I feel the way I do, although I know these thought processes are more difficult to control when I'm under alot of stress. (I think not having a clearly identifiable cause makes things worse - I feel guiltier) My therapist tells me that I filter out all of the positive messages I get - I know she's right - it's just so hard for me not to dislike myself. This had a lot to do with what I thought were the limitations of CBT. It gave me some helpful techniques in addressing sources of anxiety, but really did nothing to help me with my far more subjective feelings of worthlessness.
You sound like you're a lot more at risk than I am. I have a pretty definite plan and when I ruminate about this stuff I visualize myself going through all the steps I'd have to go through to make it happen. But my plan requires that I have things that are not otherwise at my disposal - and I think this is good - I think it's my own built-in safety net - that the means to my end are not close at hand. It's important that I not be in a position where I can act impulsively. On a couple of ocassions when I felt most at risk, I noticed that I was starting to consider other, more easily implemented, methods.
I hope you get into the outpatient program recommended by your therapist. I'm sure working on this more intensively will help.
Please keep us posted. (no pun intended)
Mair
poster:mair
thread:25077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/25188.html