Posted by beardedlady on May 28, 2002, at 11:28:20
Once in awhile, a bad night of sleep is expected--by everyone. I just feel like I'm taking Serzone to keep that from happening, so I can't understand why I don't sleep some nights.
I woke up at 3:00 a.m. Monday, and I am usually able to get back to sleep within two hours (I go to bed early enough that I'd already had six hours of sleep). This time, I didn't go back to sleep. I got up feeling, truth be told, not so tired but bummed out. But it really wrecks my self-confidence. It makes me want to jump at a sleeping pill, rather than wait it out when it happens again.
I tried to take a nap yesterday afternoon (less because I was tired and more to prove that I could sleep if I needed it), and after 30 minutes of false starts (you know, that garbage-in/garbage-out phase that's not really dreaming but that happens right before you drift off? and I always jolt awake before that happens! It's like a weird panicky feeling not letting me breathe deeply enough), I slept for twenty minutes and then another ten.
Last night was tough. It took me about 40 minutes to fall asleep, and I woke up at midnight and again at 2:15.
Not wanting to chance it, I immediately took a Sonata, but I took one that had expired in April. After 45 minutes, I still wasn't asleep, so I took one from a new prescription and slept 'til 7:00. (I didn't want to throw the old ones away because they usually still work, but I must have been too anxious last night. Should I throw them away now?)
So now I feel like s**t, groggy, out of it, foggy--I don't usually feel that way with those pills, but it's awful today.
I'm the type that needs a plan each night for "what if I wake up at 1? at 2? at 3?" My plan's gonna have to be to throw those old pills away, and only take one pill if I can't sleep, and wait it out, because I know, deep down, that I will "eventually" fall asleep, as it has often taken an hour or so for the Sonata to kick in (especially after eating a steak for dinner).
Today I'm really bummed out. I know I have gone about six months, using one Sonata per month, which ended in February. But I just kinda need someone to remind me that I'm not going to become the basket case that I became a few times when I quit my meds. It was the hardest time of my life, and I can't go back there. But here come all the negative thoughts, all my "you are weak, worthless, stupid" comments, all my blaming myself for allowing myself to get this condition in the first place, etc.
It's summer vacation in one week, and I can't figure out why it's my hardest time each year.
Anybody else go through this? Anyone able to talk me down? Er, up?
Anyway, writing it down was helpful, even if no one responds. I'm grateful for this forum.
unsleepin' beardy : (>
poster:beardedlady
thread:24771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020523/msgs/24771.html