Posted by Penny on May 1, 2002, at 23:20:48
As usual, I'm overthinking things, but please bear with me... I so value the insight I gain from all of you!
What do you do if you're afraid to get better? To be happy? Because sadness and low self-esteem is all you know?
I'm really starting to think something else is wrong with me other than the depression/mood disorder, and I say that because I seem to be looking for more things that are wrong with me. Not in a hypochondriacal kind of way, though I suppose that could possibly apply as well, but just that I think I'm afraid to be 'okay' so I'm not allowing myself to be. Does that make sense?
For example, I like going to see my pdoc frequently. And my internist. And my therapist (though I can get away with that one). And I'm afraid to not have a problem so as to not need them anymore.
But it's more than fear, I think. Possibly it's almost an obsession with having problems. How do you beat yourself at your own crazy games? How do you convince your own mind that what it thinks is wrong? I haven't figured that out yet, and part of me doesn't want to.
I pose these questions b/c I think I am dangerously close to saying I'm 'feeling better' and right now I'm looking for every excuse in the book to show that I'm not actually getting better, I'm just getting by. Isn't that crazy? I know, I know...
I see my pdoc again on Friday, and my therapist returns from her maternity leave on Saturday, and I'm actually feeling 'okay' tonight. And I'm afraid it won't last, and I'm afraid it will. It's truly a wonder that I even venture out into the world at all, with all that I'm afraid of! And, as some of you know, I have let that stop me from pursuing other things that could likely bring some joy into my life. My own fear. It's why I want to kill myself sometimes and why I haven't yet.
I said to my pdoc one time recently that I was doing okay, but ... and he said "Perhaps you won't go downhill again. Perhaps this time you'll stay above ground." And I'm terrified, absolutely terrified that he's right. And then what??????
If you made it this far, sorry for rambling...
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:22973
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020430/msgs/22973.html