Posted by wendy b. on April 26, 2002, at 19:14:57
In reply to Greg and Wendy ...SO long a post, posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 14:51:48
Iso, dear,
Even if the post is about daughters & such, it's all right to be feeling badly and say so. I wonder what about ~ have noticed your semi-absence, but I'm not all that present either, at times... Start another thread if need be, if you want to talk?
Your advice is wise and comes from a ton of experience, I can tell... Sounds like you have built some great relationships with children and teenagers over the years. I too find myself drawn to them so much! I just feel alive when I'm around them... My daughter's friends and she are just the most raucus bunch of tween-agers, and I love 'em to bits. Look at them now and wonder how each one will adjust, how their features will change, guessing at who's going to be the most popular and who's going to be the smartest, etc. They are just inherently interesting to me... I do try to be the adult who's not their family, but still interested in them and wants to be around them, as you say... (do you teach?) Thus I agree that we segregate the generations way too much, and it's to no one's benefit, seems to me.
I love my daughter's favorite band 'NSYNC! And no other adult I know does! Too bad for them, I say. I have my daughter show me dance moves (she takes hip-hop), and we dance around here on a regular basis. Her interests aren't so difficult to be interested in, as you say. Like you, I too have a much more difficult time figuring out why our generation has such a stick up its *%$#% most of the time.
You sound like a good friend to your group... You should brag about that. Not very many adults can say they spend time on a regular basis with other peoples' kids. It just doesn't happen much at all. So take pride, honey, you are a lighthouse. And they are god's gifts, as you say. My relationship with my daughter is the most important thing in my life. I wonder where I'd be or what I'd be doing without her. She is just there for me to love, plain and simple, and she does love me back, I know it. That love does bring me back from the brink now and again...
Have to run, please know how very much I appreciate the chance to share perceptions about our children. I hope we can share more - and please consider posting what's happening more specifically with you, if you like.
Ciao, bella,
Wendy
> I'm not feeling good at all but this isn't about me, just the reason why I'm hardly posting & not even reading posts most times either. But I had to read Greg's post on his daughter & then yours, Wendy.
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> It's good for our children to be around other adults who care about them & who have somewhat different viewpoints but one's that are in line with our own values - in other words, a balanced view. A good therapist or psychologist is such a person too.
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> In our society nowadays, different age groups are segregated from each other in normal life. Young people spend most of their time with each other, adults with other adults, & old, retired people are shunted off to 'old folks' homes to spend time alone with each other. We no longer have the benefits of mingling all the age groups together so that we understand each other. Our children spend time with teachers, but not in a social context at all. The only adults they're around much are their parents. It's important for them to feel that other adults value their abilities, their input, their humour, their tastes in clothes, music, etc & not just kids their own age.
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> I've noticed that some of the most well-adjusted, happy teenagers & preteens are those that are around a variety of sound, loving adults that value them & really interact with them on a social level too. I've been privileged to know some wonderful kids & young adults who enjoy my company & will seek me out just to talk & visit with. I feel it keeps me young too & open-minded. No one ever hears me saying "The trouble with young people nowadays..." 'cause I think a lot of the trouble (but not all, of course) comes from the fact older people can't be bothered socialising with young ones helping them feel they have a purpose & role in life.
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> Please don't think I'm bragging but am only relating what other young ones have said to me. They feel good when adults take an interest in their music, their tastes, their interests. We shouldn't expect them to like everything we like, but conversely, they understand that some of their interests aren't appropriate for my age. But they're much more willing to really check out stuff we like IF we take an interest in their tastes. Besides, a lot of their music, clothes, books, etc ARE very good.
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> And it helps to sit down & REALLY listen to what they say. To let them know we don't know all the answers & we're still looking. And that often, their suggestions are very good & we can use their ideas too. I don't mean we should be buddy-buddy with our kids - we're still the parents. My 20 year old said to me that if I didn't chastise him from time to time & tell him when I think something isn't a good to do, he'd assume I no longer loved him or cared enough to warn him. It matters very much to him that I correct him still. But we should also be open to correction FROM them & be willing to admit our mistakes & change.
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> When it all comes down to the basics, I think the most important thing is the fact that we love our children whole-heartedly AND unconditionally. That rock of love will ground them through all the storms that come along. It will give them something to hold onto & to know that we're always there for them, no matter what they do & no matter how we feel. But because so many kids seem inherently insecure while growing up, they need to hear it frequently from us & to hear it said with great sincerity & to see it backed up with our actions too, not just words. I feel blessed that my sons never flinch from hugging me & don't even hold back from giving me a kiss & hug in public. They know I adore them & they adore me in return, but I never try to cling to them or hold on when they want to grow. I've had lots of bad things happen in my life but my sons are my sunshine. Let your children know they're the light of your life too. I think you both are very lucky to have your children love you back. I believe it's one of God's wonderful gifts to mankind.
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> While they're in their teens, you'll probably question yourself many times, wondering if it'll all turn out well. It will. There'll be mistakes & nothing will be perfect. Your children may grow up with some hang-ups & problems - hey, we're human & they're inherited our problematic genes. But everything will turn out & life can be good. and your values will be appreciated by them, especially as they grow older. God bless you both.
poster:wendy b.
thread:22639
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22682.html