Posted by paula on January 28, 2002, at 20:29:20
In reply to Re: self-hate as the easy way out., posted by Shar on January 28, 2002, at 12:44:55
Shar, you're so right about it feeling safe. At least MY hate is a known commodity. And I've long known that I try to...well, succeed in...beating others to the punch. And it's only recently that it's occurred to me that this isn't for the squeamish, as you say. I'm so used to living like this that it's been hard to imagine anything else. I'm glad to have gotten some perspective this last year.
--p
> "...realizing that I hurt myself, I punish myself, I hate myself ultimately because I enjoy it more, at some level, than it hurts."
>
> FLB--
> I agree with much of what you said, and you are most articulate.
>
> However, for me, I would modify the "enjoy" part of your above statement to be something like "it feels safer than it hurts" or similar idea.
>
> Obviously, self-hate or being the first to criticize oneself (a forte of my own) is a safety mechanism that keeps the pain away from our tender selves. We were probably pretty beat up (internally, externally) in order to develop that response in the first place.
>
> It's the old "I'll hate me first, before anyone else can, so it won't be hurtful or be a surprise when everyone finds I'm a good target for their disdain." Well, probably in fewer words, but you get the idea.
>
> I'm not sure enjoyment at any level enters into it; more like the relief at not feeling that intense destructive pain. IMHO.
>
> And, I agree, self-hate is not easy...not for the squeamish.
>
> Shar
poster:paula
thread:17351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17416.html