Posted by mist on January 2, 2002, at 2:29:13
I feel that people in my life don't really understand that I'm depressed and how bad it has been for me. I often can converse about my life and whatever the topic of the moment is as if I had no problems. I act calm. I sometimes have spurts of enough energy to meet someone for lunch or help an elderly relative out--and sometimes I simply force myself to do these things, but the effort it takes given how I'm feeling isn't apparent to anyone else. People see me do things like this and they don't understand what I'm talking about when I say I'm depressed—why I haven't worked for over a year.
Last year and the year before there were times when I was in utter darkness from depression. All I could do was sit and hold my head in my hands for hours or sometimes curl up on the floor, shivering. People don't see this. I think they think I'm making excuses for why I don't look for a job. The fact is, I would love to be working. It's been very hard to look for work, given how I've been feeling.
I felt for a long time my life was spinning out of control. I feel slightly better now but I am scared because my finances have been affected. I got too close to the edge, my financial situation is too precarious.
I wish I could appear the way I feel. I wish I could get across how badly I've felt and how it's incapacitated me. How sometimes I can't even think. The thoughts just don't come, just this blackness in my mind. It would help a lot of people who knew me could see this, and understand.
poster:mist
thread:16130
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/16130.html