Posted by JohnDoenut on December 3, 2001, at 5:17:58
Ive been up for two hours now. Since 4am. Im going back to sleep soon as Im tired now but Im going to call into work sick which I cant really afford to do but I cant function when I dont get enough sleep. Ill sleep for a few hours and then get up and just have a screw off day. It seems the weekend fills up with responsibilities and dont always get enough time to just mess around. I have to go mess around later. . . :)
I couldnt sleep cause I had thoughts running around which makes it seems to me like there will be imminent disaster. Although Im sure when people I know see me they see what looks like everything is fine and ok but in the back of my mind there is always looming, imminent disaster. I go through scenarios about what the hell I will do if something should happen, that is for example I lose my job in this economy and cant pay the bills. When I was younger I had a lot more energy, more edge to deal but now I feel like crawling into bed instead and like let the world just crash in. Who cares?! I dont know. I have to find the right scenario, stumble onto the right fork in the road. I often do but sometimes miss. I think I dont want to deal and if I killed myself then I wouldnt have to. I know my family would not be happy but thats not what makes me want to live. I find aside from all the darkness in the world, there is great beauty. Leafless trees and fog, ponds, meadows, bright moonlight on trees and my backyard. I believe what Carl Sagen said, that we are the universe made manifest, the consciousness of the universe, a way for it to know itself. I hope it likes what it sees. I think maybe when we die we go back into it. If we came from somewhere. That we wake up there and say, what was that? That whatever it is actually volunteers to go into a body to experience it and even though to us this life seems so long, to the universe its but a tiny fraction of a fraction of a nanosecond. But I cant remember. I cant remember anything before my birth. I imagine that is what death is like. Whatever there was before birth. Nothing.
poster:JohnDoenut
thread:14782
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/14782.html